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UPN President announces new plan to Sex up and Whiten Out UPN

UPN President announces new plan to Sex up UPN

(E!)

In a press conference held in front of the Washington Monument, UPN
President Dawn Ostroff announced a radical new plan to save the UPN
network.

“After extensive research studies, viewer analysis and in-depth 8-Ball
shaking, we’ve come to one simple and obvious conclusion about UPN’s
troubles. Not enough sex.” Ostroff said. “Some critics have come
forwards with radical and questionable theories suggesting that the
problem lies in bad writing or poor shows or no overall programming
identity but we at UPN feel our shows are already so good and
perfectly written and concieved that there’s no possible way to
improve them except through gratitious nudity and fake breasts.”

Part of UPN’s new sexier image will involve retooling some existing
shows such as UPN’s flagship series Enterprise including new skimpy
swimsuit uniforms for the entire Enterprise crew as ‘protection’
against the effects of ‘The Expanse’ environment. Another change will
involve formally changing UPN’s name to SEX and its logo to a red
light and animated silhouttes of the UPN triangle, square and ball
mating with each other.

“From the beginning there’s been some concern as to whether I as a
former Lifetime Network President can properly exploit women in a way
that befits UPN’s hopeless dumpster diving for Young Adult Male
viewers.” Ostroff contined. “I would like to reassure Viacom
stockholders that just as I innovated Lifetime programming that
treated women’s minds with contempt, I can do the same for their
bodies to provide Hooters customers with the kind of exciting and
innovative programming they deserve.”

UPN further plans to round out their program of insulting viewer
inteligence by getting as many black cast members as possible off
their sitcoms.

“Part of our in-depth viewer research involved getting in tune with
our core demographic who it turns out besides being impotent white
trash, are also racists.” Ostroff stated. “So we’re launching a drive
to get as many white cast members onto black shows as we can and
ordering quality programming like The Mullets that appeal to them.
We’re also planning a new sitcom as a mid-season replacement that will
fulfill our mission of sexing up and whiting out UPN with The Eva
Braun Show that looks at the adventures of a single girl in Germany
dating a handsome dictator.”

UPN certainly has a bright future ahead of it.

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