Space Ramblings

UPN announces that ‘Secret of Immortality’ will air during Enterprise

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In an announcement that has stunned both the medical and religious communities, UPN Vice President in charge of Network Promotions, Howard E. Dingle has stated that the Secret of Eternal Life will air at some point during next Wednesday’s lineup of Enterprise and Twilight Zone, while refusing to say exactly when only that it would be during those two hours.

The announcement however was greeted with skepticism by medical researchers at Johns Hopkins.

“It’s extremely unlikely that a fifth rate network like UPN has actually obtained the highly sought after secret of immortality.” Dr. David Nelson said. “And even if it has, it is rather irresponsible of them to air it on television, instead of transferring it directly to the medical community. I mean most of us didn’t even watch Voyager after the first season, does UPN seriously expect some of the most brilliant minds in medicine to sit through an episode of Enterprise? Not even for the Secret of Eternal Life! It’s inhumane and unethical.”

“We would like nothing more than to deliver the Secret of Immortality directly into the hands of medical professionals who could use it to treat all the people dying of fatal illnesses.” Vice President Dingle retorted. “However we have a responsibility to reward our loyal viewers who’ve sat through seven years of Enterprise and whatever other crap we’ve combined with it on Wednesday nights. Yes those children dying of Leukemia need the Secret of Immortality. But our viewers need it more, if any one of the ten Nielsen viewers who still watch UPN die, we’ll be out of business.”

The WB Network has chosen to counter this controversial move by UPN by announcing that the Secret of True Happiness will air during Everwood.

“UPN is promising you immortality.” WB President Jamie Kellner told reporters. “But what use is immortality, if you spend it all being miserable. The WB on the other hand can offer you a short but happy and fulfilling life. Much like our fall season.”

Not to be outdone, UPN’s Big Sister network CBS is announcing its own promotion to air during the season premiere of Baby Bob. A videotaped messages from Jesus Christ. Responding to the collective outrage from various religious groups, CBS President Mel Karazin publicly defended the network’s latest promotional tool.

“CBS is America’s Hometown Network and we are addressing our viewer’s spiritual welfare here. And in some ways Baby Bob is like Jesus, the story of an extraordinary miracle child.” Mel said. “While we can’t tell you where we got the tape, we can assure that it is a genuine videotaped message from Jesus and that it contains vital spiritual information that may prevent people from going to hell. We here at CBS know that choosing between watching 30 minutes of Baby Bob or an eternity of torture in the nether realms of Hell will be difficult, but we’re confident that they will make the right choice.”

NBC has chosen to follow suit in its own way with a press release.

‘NBC has long been America’s premiere network and we have no intention of stooping to the depths of some of our competitors. NBC is known for its many award winning dramas such as our fourteen Law and Order spinoffs. Also The West Wing which will shortly air an episode personally written by a mostly sober Aaron Sorkin entitled ‘Closing the Gap’ in which President Bartlett’s staffers will debate whether penis enlargement would help him win the election. We think this episode will be tastefully done while containing information vital to NBC’s core demographic and encourage them to watch it.’

When asked to comment on this trend, TV Guide television researcher Doug Branch stated that it was the natural outcome of a competitive environment.

“With declining ratings and market share, television networks have begun adopting the tactics of internet spammers.” Doug Branch said. “Hoping that viewers lack the memory to remember their broken promises, as they can no longer remember the trail of their cancelled shows.”

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