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Ubisoft Announces that PC Releases of their Games Will No Longer Work Unless there is a Ubisoft Employee Sitting in Your Living Room

Citing the spiraling costs of piracy and the need to create a more interactive gaming experience, Ubisoft has announced that PC releases of its games such as Assassin’s Creed 3, Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell 3 Rainbow Six 4 and The Settlers 24 will no longer work without the supervision of a Ubisoft employee sitting in your living room.

“We’ve tried DRM. We’ve tried making our games online only. And we tried lining the inside of the CD cases with plastic explosives that detonate automatically if they fail to recognize the user’s fingerprints, but none of it is enough,” said Ubisoft spokesman Pierre Larouge. “So now to improve the user experience, to play a Ubisoft game you will have to have an employee of Ubisoft there in your living room. At random times in the game, it will prompt him to enter a secret code which only he knows, if he does not enter it, the game will format your hard drive.”

Supposedly based on the code from Lost which had to be entered every hour, the so-called Ubisoft “Hatch” DRM has elicited protests from gaming sites which argue that Ubisoft will not have enough employees to allow people to play at their own convenience. “What if I want to play Quest for the Repackaged Brand 2 at 3 AM?” demanded portly GamersBuzz editor Wink Nartley. “Will a Ubisoft employee be there to enter the code for me?”

In response, Ubisoft has assured players that they are recruiting a small army of homeless people to be available in their living room around the clock, and announced a new PC Gamer outreach campaign in concert with Microsoft that they’re calling “Just Buy an XBox Already”.

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