Space Ramblings

Mayor Baldwin Weighs in on Soda Gulag

Some people think it would be funny to make Alec Baldwin into the Mayor of New York City. Probably because they hate it or because it Coca Colawould be funny. And it would be. Like the way Snakes on a Plane was funny, in concept, but not so much in reality. Also actual snakes on a plane would be better than Alec Baldwin trying to run a city. Less people would get killed on a plane full of snakes, than in a Baldwin administration.

Alec Baldwin, from his years of expertise of hitting his mark on camera, weighs in on the soda issue, at the home of enlightened civic discourse run by that crazy Greek lady who used to be right-wing before she was left-wing before she was running AOL into the ground. No wait, after.

Okay, so you’re Alec Baldwin. You have a brain the size of a small walnut. Your brain is constantly wondering why the sky is blue. It can just about handle memorizing dialogue for credit card commercials that run 30 seconds. This is too much. You have to make an argument for banning soda. What do you do? What do you do?

Start talking like an executive who has just found out that his line of baby products is actually made of Plutonium.

 The need to understand and then decisively act upon the latest findings regarding sugar consumption, diabetes, overall nutritional guidelines and policies, and the public health crisis created by the U.S. obesity epidemic is urgent. This is true for both children and adults.

Okay Baldwin’s brain is now panicking. It doesn’t know much about soda. Wait, I’ve got it. Start ranting about gay marriage and Iraq.

At first, my response to Bloomberg’s critics was more visceral. Some libertarian types don’t mind government intervention in the matrimonial decisions of gay men and women. They look the other way at wars fought in our name in places they can’t find on a map.

You lousy libertarian hypocrites. You want to be able to drink Diet Coke, while slurping down a cheese burger, but you don’t want to see Alec Baldwin gay-marry Saddam Hussein. And what about slavery? And the right of women to vote? Pants, these people are probably against them too. The Irish Hunger memorial? No wait, Capital One! It’s what’s in your wallet. No, that’s next Tuesday. Pull yourself together!

Talk about the good old days before everyone was drinking Coca Cola all the time.

Food is a drug. At least in the way it is marketed today, which is significantly different from when I grew up. As a child, sweets were referred to as “treats,” and were dispensed far more judiciously than they are today.

And I had to walk eight miles through the snow to shoot my commercials. When I guest-starred on Spin City, I rode a mule for three days into the city and ate its corpse on the last day.

Come on, Alec. You’re a major celebrity. Do what celebrities do. Talk about your diet.

I recently lost over 30 pounds by giving up the lion’s share of refined sugar in my diet and reducing my intake of pasta, rice and bread. I switched to almond milk and have reduced my dairy consumption significantly.

And my granola push-ups and rose petal brunches have never been better. I have so much energy, I can ask my people to put together this article out of bits of text messages I typed up while screaming up at a stewardess.

No, no. Talk about something relevant. A show you saw. What was it called? Empathize with the sheep. Emphasize and act! You were on six episodes of Will and Grace. You can do this!

 I watched the HBO documentary The Weight of a Nation and many of the overweight people interviewed there spoke of being not only demoralized, but confused by a chronic weight gain that they struggled with and were ultimately powerless to overcome. I can relate.

Okay this is good stuff. Now just talk about yourself for a few paragraphs. You’re famous. People want to know all about you.

Gone were the days when I could eat a peanut butter cookie the size of a hubcap with my 5pm coffee as a “snack.” With age, my body had changed. My health had changed. My ability to process significant amounts of sugar was gone. I was sick. And I wanted to get well.

Now denounce them! Denounce them all!  Make them all realize that they’re just like you, except dumber and more clueless. Victims hooked on their sugar crack. This is an intervention, damn it! An intervention for everyone who isn’t drinking almond milk and sunshine.

Many of those who cry loudest about measures like the one Bloomberg has proposed are probably sick, too: hooked on high fat, high sodium and high sugar diets who don’t want their “drug” taken away.

Now promote something on TV, because it’s what you do.

Watch The Weight of a Nation on HBO to learn just how on target Bloomberg is.

There we go. No one can disagree with any of this. Not if they work for Baldwin or Bloomberg. I can see the campaign slogan shaping up.

“Why let an elitist out of touch billionaire tell you do what to do, when you can let an elitist out of touch millionaire tell you what to do.”

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