When everyone else was cheering at the movies for Luke Skywalker, I was secretly hoping Darth Vader would chop up the little brat, turn the Mon Calamari into chop suey, send the Emperor to a retirement home and go on striding down hallways, breathing like an asthmatic WW1 poison gas victim for all time. And I wasn’t alone. It’s not that I loved evil, I just hated the phony blandness of movie heroes. I hate Google for the same reason.
If Microsoft is Darth Vader, dark, looming and menacing and destroying entire planets out of Washington State and parts abroad, Google is the Karate outfit wearing bowl haircut drab hero, the secretly gay virgin whose only female company is his own sister whom he doesn’t actually care about or even lust for, but keeps doing it because he’s in denial about his creepy love for Obi Wan Kenobi.
Between the phony cuteness of its logos, its slogan “Don’t Be Evil” and an interface designed by a retarded albino locked in a room filled with copy paper, I never understood how anyone could not hate Google. And this was even before Google began breathing asthmatically, pacing down hallways and destroying entire planets. Because that’s the real reason why the Luke Skywalkers and the Googles are the enemy, their phony heroic facades just cover the underlying arrogance of their elitism. Inside they’re no different from the Darth Vaders and Microsofts but they’re harder to recognize. Give me a villain or a company in black with a serious medical condition any time of day. At least they’re evil and honest about it.