I used to like looking at photos. Then Instagram and HDR came along.
Instagram just says you’re white, in your twenties, live in a city and have an iPhone. HDR says that you have a few thousand dollars worth of photography equipment and software that should be taken away from you for your own good.
HDR ruins a photo faster than peeing into coffee ruins your morning. It shoves photos down an uncanny valley somewhere between a photo and a picture without looking like either one. It’s a hideous mutant that shouldn’t exist. It ‘pops’ by turning your edges into a bad joke while keeping just enough photo realism so that everyone knows it isn’t a photo or a picture.
HDR is like beating your child so hard he gets a concussion and telling him to join the circus. Looking at them makes the part of my brain that processes images hurt. It’s like motion sickness for art.
Just look at this thing. It’s been HDR’d and color corrected to within an inch of its life. There’s a potentially good picture hiding in that like a mobster in witness protection, but it will never be found.
Look there’s a reason that we like cloud photos. Clouds are intangible. They can’t be touched.
Skies in HDR photos are congealed balls of colorized wax. They’re streaks of hardened copper. They kill the whole idea of a sky and replace it with something that looks like it should only be found under a microscope.
Movie studios and game designers spend a lot of money trying to make 3D models look like real buildings. HDR makes real buildings look like bad 3D models.
Am I supposed to be impressed because you took a photo that looks like a video game cutscene from 2007?
That’s not evolution, it’s devolution. It’s as if you took genetic therapy to turn into a monkey.
And then there are the animals.
Is there any reason for this cat to be in HDR? If it understood what you had done, it would be ashamed of you. I won’t even mention the HDR kids. When your son grows up, he would rather you showed baby photos of him peeing outside than the most dignified HDR photo.
Consider this an intervention. Your HDR photos suck. There are only two valid reasons for HDR photos.
1. You’re making a cover for the album of an amateur heavy metal band in Detroit.
2. You’re an idiot
Five years from now you’ll look through your HDR photos and delete all of them and wonder what you were thinking.