Space Ramblings

From lovely Cyrodil, it’s the annual State of the Empire address

Thank you ladies, gentlemen, inbred nobility and assorted other creatures,

The Empire’s situation is very grave indeed. The entire continent is overrun by freakishly huge rats and oddly aggressive crabs. Not only is the Emperor dead, but the population of Cyrodil appears to have dwindled to about several hundred people, of which about ten percent are actually Bandits, Daedra worshipers and members of the Dark Brotherhood or talking upright walking cats.

This is a serious situation as we cannot possibly hope to maintain any kind of functioning Imperial capital with so few people. Our average city barely has two dozen people, half of whom are guards. It’s hard to tell what makes our cities into cities rather than towns or villages, except our willingness to be deluded into thinking that a high wall and a big cathedral surrounding a dozen houses and four shops is somehow a city rather than a tiny village. Meanwhile what little villages we have left have turned into underground people who worship primordial evil beings, which is just bad for everyone.

Recently it has also been brought to my attention that every single fort on Cyrodil is deserted and filled with the undead. With only one city standing between Morrowind and the Imperial City, Morrowind could easily overrun us in a matter of days, if they only had more than a thousand or so people themselves to spare for an invasion.

This population shortage also puts Cyrodil’s traditional native industries, such as selling looted weapons, paying ridiculous prices for pieces of flowers that can be easily picked and hunting through ghost and skeleton filled temples, at great risk. Additionally Cyrodil no longer has any mines, only derelict mines.

At this point I’m not even sure why Oblivion is bothering to invade us, they could probably just wait a generation for us to die off on our own, since we don’t actually have any children and aside from Vampires and Orcs, we consist of species that cannot and should not reproduce together.

Nevertheless I would like to commend those who keep the Arena matches going, diminishing what little population we have, particularly the part of it that can actually hold a sword. Also to the inventor of Ardorks’ Unremovable Underwear which is responsible for our population problem and lack of children, your attempt to preserve morality may have doomed us all, but it was still a noble gesture.

Thank you all, and I’m moving to High Rock.

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