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Category Archives: Parody And Satire

UPN Marketing V.P. worried that people are confusing new UPN logo with UPS logo

(FKE)

“Art isn’t about originality, it’s about making a decisive statement.” UPN’s Vice President of Marketing David Ainsles worriedly explained. “For instance many of Shakespeare’s plays are similar to those written by Marlowe, yet generations of theatergoers have recognized Shakespeare’s plays as works of art that take their subject to a new level and become the definite standard. In the same way you might say that just because the new UPN logo uses a design somewhat similar to the UPS logo, we’ve also produced something that sets a new standard for excellence without worrying about accusation that our logo is derivative.”

Up until now UPN had been employing the familiar triangle, square and circle logo with each letter of the network name distributed on one of the shapes. But in tune with its new makeover, UPN decided it needed a new logo and David Ainsles was tapped for the job.

“I never thought much of the old logo and frankly it was a little embarrassing to work for a network that had something to silly as its representation. Every other network had its logo all on one single design, yet UPN relied on a distributed design and that was the first thing I set out to change. I put all the letters in one single circle
all black and white. Neat and professional and simple the way all the great ideas are, right? But then my nightmare began.” David continues.

The new UPN logo design was David’s biggest assignment at the network since he’d joined it in 1999. Up until then his work had generally consisted of signing off on promos for Star Trek Voyager and the WWF and making personal phone calls to affiliate managers.

“You know how sometimes you have a great idea and then you find out that somebody thought of it first and you wonder whether you actually thought of it yourself, or maybe you just subconsciously stole their idea because your own subconscious knows that you’re a complete failure and a hack. That’s what happened when I was walking down the street and saw a UPS truck and it hit me, their logo looks a little like ours. But I didn’t give it much thought until I was walking down the corridor with a box full of the new logos and one of the guys asked me, are we shipping something today?”

Early in college David had possessed an ambition to become a serious artist and then as a cartoonist even briefly drawing a cartoon series about mice who live in cubicles inside a mouse hole called Mous Inc. as a critique of corporate America. Mous Inc enjoyed a small degree of success until David was sued for plagiarism by Art Spiegelman forcing him to abandon his dream.

“I mean, My God, are we shipping something today. That was his first reaction to our network’s new logo. And I really panicked. I ran back to my office but there wasn’t much I could do except change the colors in the background of the logo to bright primary colors like red and blue. UPS’s background is brown and so I hoped that people wouldn’t continue to make the same association. But they did. Week after week. One of our affiliate managers was here and he looked at the logo and asked if we were receiving a package. This was one of our own and he didn’t recognize the logo for his own network. It was terrible. And then people began to laugh at me in the halls, asking me if I was working for UPN or UPS. It was just terrible.”

Before joining UPN in the fall of 1999, David had designed a new logo for the Red Roof Inn and overseen its customer appreciation program which involved sending postcards with a photo of a mint on them to customers and asking them to fill out a brief questionnaire about their visit.

“And the thing is that our logos aren’t even that similar. UPS has a modified box logo with gold on brown. Ours is a circle with white on bright primary colors. Our font is completely different too. So I can’t see how even laymen without any real background in graphic design could make this mistake. Let alone professionals in my own department.” David mourned.

“My story is the story of Prometheus who tried to bring fire to mortal men and instead had his liver torn out by vultures for his trouble. I’ll probably never have children of my own and this logo was my chance to put something out there. My chance to have a legacy. I mean think of the guys who created the CBS Eye or the NBC Peacock. You don’t know who they are but their work will live on in millions of TV screens long after they’re gone. And instead my legacy is the shameful one of a plagiarist. But perhaps even this is not the end of David Ainsles. Einstein too was laughed at. It took time for his ideas to really sink in. And I firmly believe that once my new UPN logo has been given a chance, that people will really learn to love and appreciate it and perhaps even its humble creator.”

Ron Paul to Maybe Be Featured in Seventh Harry Potter Novel

Hey gang,

Me and some of the guys at the Nome Ron Paul Meetup Club had a great idea for how to promote Ron Paul. Ron Paul souhld be in the next Harry Potter novel which everyone is talking about. This is perfect because everyone is talking about Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows and everyone is also talking about Ron Paul.

Also Ron Paul battles evil just like Harry Potter and he’s a doctor who delivered babies which is kind of like a wizard because if you deliver babies badly, they die.

Anyway since J.K. Rowling used to work for Amnesty International I’m sure she would support Ron Paul’s plan to end the War in Iraq and allow states to shoot as many endangered species as they want. So it’s probably not too late for her to write Dr. Paul into the next Harry Potter novel. Maybe Ron Paul could be a wizard who teaches Harry Potter about the dangers of a centralized government or has Voldemort control the Federal Reserve. Anyway these are just some of the great ideas we came up with to help make Ron Paul our next President.

Sincerely yours

Jensen VanNutHaus
{Treasurer of Nomans for Paul)

Ron Paul Campaign Announces Theme Song

Ron Paul’s campaign has always been innovative and it’s clear from this great campaign theme song he’s chosen that this is one candidate who really gets “it” (whatever it is) and this campaign theme song is bound to catch fire into the hearts of infidels everywhere and convert them to the true cause of Paul. And I think we can all agree that this theme song really sums up what Ron Paul and the Ron Paul for President campaign is all about.

And now here it is ladies and gentlefreaks, the Ron Paul Campaign Theme song.

Keep on Spamming the Free World

There’s spammers on the digital street
mouse clicking till they’re blue
clicking submit with their feet
not resting till they’re through
But there’s a warnin’ sign on the road ahead
If we don’t elect Ron Paul then we’re better off dead
But iffen I was gone vote for a crazy Texas midget
I’d have voted for Ross Perot

Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!

I see the same three posts next night
already dug three hundred times
and then finally by morning light
submitted again by the same four guys
Now they put the post away and dig up an old interview
and submit it once again cause they’ve got nothing else to do
They hate their lives and what they done to them
They think Ron Paul will save the world, they think he’s really cool
But the primaries about to come, will really take them to school

Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!

We got a thousand spammers working all night
all crazy homeless men
We got a kinder, gentler
White supremacist candidate man
We got pee bottles for Ron Paul
And pep pills to spam for him
He’s a man of the people, says keep hope alive
Got bandwidth to burn and traffic to drive

Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!
Keep on spamming the free world!

Vote Ross Perot!

Transformers Defeat Jesus

Michael Bay’s crazed robot car toy project, Transformers, managed to tap into the nostalgia of twenty something still holding on to their non-sexual crush on Optimus Prime from back before they discovered girls and the love all little kids still hold for giant robots smashing stuff while doing cool things to score a 152 million opening beating out The Passion for the largest non-sequel opening.

Frankly it was never much of a competition. The Transformers boasted massive and incredible powers as well as being very tall. Jesus is generally to have been under 6 feet tall. Considering the average height ratio of adult males in the middle east, he was probably closer to 5 feet tall. No match at all for the giant scale of the transformers and decepticons.

While legend claims that Jesus could transform water into wine and this no doubt made a great party trick, it proved utterly useless when combating giant robots which could transform into cars, either one being enough to utterly defeat Jesus. Doing tricks with fish and wine and oil was fine if you were amusing the locals a few thousand years back and sure impressed people whose biggest goals in life involved getting as much fish, wine and soil as they could (these three being the staples of their diet) but they could not even begin to match the awesome destructive capabilities of the Transformers.

The Transformers continue to live on today as a symbol for not giving up when something happened to whatever planet they were originally from and also displaying utterly pointless abilities to transform into vastly inferior machines such as cars. Jesus continues to live on as a symbol for being a giant wuss whose powers of fish, oil and wine summoning proved to be no match at all even for the soldiers of the barbarian Roman empire, never mind the advanced technology of the Transformers.

A Rebuttal From a Ron Paul Supporter

Ever since I began posting about Ron Paul I’ve had plenty of enthusiastic and angry responses from the devoted slaves of Ron Paul. Why do my negative posts about Obama not produce the same shrill hysterical responses from Obamaniacs? Maybe because they take their medication every once in a while. Maybe they’re too busy making phony videos about their candidate to bother spamming Digg but who knows. Any way in the interests of fairness, I’m giving equal or unequal time to a Ron Paul supporter to respond. Fire away.

Why Ron Paul Rocks by Vox Dey: A Populist Libertarian Shaved Headed Voice for Stuff

by Vox Dey

RON PAUL
RON PAUL
RON PAUL.

RON PAUL is the only true CONSERVATIVE and LIBERAL in this race! That’s why everyone is afraid of RON PAUL. Only RON PAUL can stop the GAY ABORTION in our SCHOOLS. The fatcats in Washington D.C. eating human babies and burying their remains in lime are AFRAID OF RON PAUL. They know Ron PAUL will vote against all their spending bills. CFR and the Federal Reserve Bank of America and ZOG and the people running the country with their Northern banks and their negro leagues of DOOM know that RON PAUL is the only friend of the working man.

RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!

America is drowning in a tidal wave of Mexicans and Federal spending. Our borders are open. The AMERO highway is coming and millions of MEXICAN TRUCKS will be driving through the highways of AMERICa to CANADa unless RON PAUL does something about it. Do you want MEXICAN TRUCKS driving through your house, through the rooms where your babies sleep and you and your wife make SWEET CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL LOVE just like JESUS would? RON PAUL!

RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!
RON PAUL!

Only RON PAUL can keep MEXICAN TRUCKS and their GAYS out of America’s bedrooms and public schools. Every PRESIDENT since LINCOLN has been a traitor to the CONSTITUTION handing out ABORTIONS like CANDY and turning AMERICA into the diseased PROSTITUTE of the NEW WORLD ORDER.

RON PAUL!

AMERICA needs RON PAUL! AMERICA is dying for Ron Paul. RON PAUL is this nation’s only hope. Millions of people have endorsed RON PAUL. JON STEWART has interviewed RON PAUL. JESUS would vote for RON PAUL. RON PAUL killed STEVE GILLARD. ILYKA DAMEN stopped blogging because of RON PAUL RON PAUL can make butterflies come out of your nose every time you SNEEZE.

RON PAUL?
RON PAUL?
RON PAUL?

Freemen of AMERICA, we have a choice. We can elect Ron Paul or live as SLAVES under our new Mexican overlords and their big rig trucks. Do you want your kids learning about GAY ABORTION from them? Do you want your kids getting married to Ted Kennedy in Massachusetts and aborting his babies? Do you? BUSH’S ANtichrist America is a Communist Dictatorship where he can assume power just by destroying the ENTIRE EASTERN SEALBOARD. IT’S time to retake AMERICA. It’s time to VOTE RON PAUL!!!!!!

Visit RonPaulDiggSpam2008.com

The preceding has been a rebuttal from a Ron Paul supporter. Remember only you can stop your kids from learning about gay abortion from Mexican trucks. So Vote Ron Paul or sober up and vote a real candidate. And don’t send me your angry threats. As a charter member of the Council on Foreign Relations, I can make one phone call and send 6 FBI ATF agents to break down your door in the middle of the night and shove Bananas down your pants just because I say so.

iPhone battery now allows for up to 8 seconds of talk time

Addressing a concern that has lingered since the device was introduced in January, Apple announced that it has improved the battery life of the iPhone to deliver up to 8 seconds of talk time and 10 seconds of stand-by time.

“Finally users of the iPhone can look up to as much as 8 seconds of talk time, or possibly less than 5 seconds in cold weather,” Steve Jobs announced, “8 seconds talk time is more than most leading phones get during a fire, earthquake or when falling into a black hole. With the newly improved battery life, you can now use your iPhone to call for help as long as your call for help doesn’t take more than eight seconds.”

Apple fungineers had improved the iPhone’s talk time by cutting down on some power draining features, including the phone’s constantly rotating video logo of Steve Jobs’ head casting out a reality distortion field that encourages you to buy Apple TV and the built in greek chorus that echoes your conversations three times after each sentence. Also gone is the ability to use the iPhone as a detonator, bug zapper and it will no longer come with a toolbar that uses the Safari browser to send you messages from the devil.

Dr. Ron Paul Unveils New Energy Plan to Save the World

At the National Press Club in Washington D.C., underdog GOP Presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul unveiled his new energy plan to end dependency on foreign oil.

“For decades our middle east policy has become dependent on our demand and need for foreign oil which has caused all sorts of conflicts,” Dr. Ron Paul said, speaking carefully into the microphone. “Today as a Doctor I have used my scientific expertise poking around women’s nether regions to solve our energy problem.

“The United States government has been hoarding alien spacecraft in Area 51. I have learned from reliable sources such as George Noory’s Coast to Coast, Prison Planet and one of my campaign volunteers, Steve431 that these spacecraft are powered by quantum drives capable of harnessing the energy at the heart of the universe. Yet instead of employing this powerful technology to solve our national energy problem, the Federal government has instead been unconstitutionally hoarding them for the purposes of making war on behalf of the Zionists Empire.”

Saying this, Ron Paul paused and reached into his briefcase and withdrew an aluminum foil draped bicycle helmet with a picture of Spongebob Squarepants on it.

“It is blatantly unconstitutional for the Federal government to be hoarding a spacecraft that is the rightful property of the State of Nevada where it first landed and then used for proper purposes, such as powering a 300 mile high electric fence with Mexico to keep those Mexicanians outside our borders and keeping the other inferior races in line too,” Dr. Ron Paul continued, “with the power of alien drives we can finally achieve our dream mexican-free paradise and give us unlimited energy to keep the aliens off our backs too.”

Top 10 Reasons Ron Paul is Running for President

10. The White House has special material in its beams that keeps KGB mind rays from getting through the walls.

9. Being an eccentric Texas politician isn’t enough unless you actually make it to the White House. Just ask LBJ.

8. Al Queda wouldn’t have attacked us on September 11th if Ron Paul had been president or so says Ron Paul. Al Queda says nothing, they’re too busy being bombed.

7. Ron Paul’s hand puppet wants him to and Ron Paul always listens to his hand puppet. But he’s no puppet himself. No siree.

6. Ron Paul takes him orders from the Bilderbergers and when the Bildenbergers tell you to run, son you better run.

5. Ron Paul is a robot sent back from the future to save mankind from itself. Unfortunately he’s become defective since then and now all he wants is to build the world’s largest mountain made of vanilla ice cream.

4. It’s all about the honeys. There’s nothing like running for President on an extremist platform to get the protest babes to like you.

3. Dennis Kucinich put him up to it.

2. Money. Money. Money.

1. He’s out of his freaking mind.

Titanic 1999

Titanic 1999

Act 1 – Narrator speaks

Picture of Atomic detonation

Narrator: For centuries mankind feared that the end would come. Some believed that life would be destroyed by atomic fire, some believed we would be buried under a new flood or perish in a new ice age. Instead the end came, …through a movie.

Shot of Titanic poster

Narrator: 6 months after the movie Titanic was released it had broken all box office records and still remained int the two five movies at the box office. By that point the movie itself as well as the merchandising had earned well over 9 billion dollars. Using his share of the money its director and a network of Scientology contacts James Cameron founded a cult named Titanic. By the year 1999 the Titanic cult had outstripped every major religion on the planet and governments began waking up to the danger…

Shot of government troops storming a showing of Titanic

Narrator: China, Singapore and Iran were the first to ban the movie and criminalize possesion of Titanic merchandise and memorabilia. In Saudia Arabia U.S. troops were called in to assist in blockading movie theathers showing Titanic in what came to be called “Operation: Cameron Storm.” Doctors in Oslo frantically sought a cure for Titanic addicts many of whom had seen the movie thousands of times. In the United States Titanic was classified as controlled substance and Titanic Dealers sprang up in every major city in the United States.

Shot of tunnels with men and women in black hooded robes holding candles around photos of Leonardo DeCaprio and James Cameron.

Narrator: Nevertheless the Titanic cult only continued to grow. Like the early Christians followers they continued to meet in hidden underground caverns and watched bootleg videotapes of Titanic while chanting phrases from the movie and holding minutes of silence for the victims of the Titanic.

Shot of James Cameron at a press conference

Narrator: In the middle of all the chaos James Cameron announced a press conference on the subject of Titanic. It was covered by every major and minor media outlet in the world. As Cameron stepped onto the stage his words were instantly beamed to over 4 billion people all over the planet. In their hiding places the Titanic followers too waited for a command from their leader.

James Cameron: Lately a lot of people have been whining about the Titanic. Hatefull little men have spilled their cynical bile onto my masterpiece.

He paused.

James Cameron: They should be shot.

Shots of riots and massacres all over the world. Parents who attempt to pry their children away from Titanic are butchered in their sleep by the little ones. Police barricades are overun and men, women and children are executed in front of posters of Titanic. Governments fall and mobs tear to pieces anyone found watching anything other than Titanic. Above the noise “My love will go in” is played.

Narrator: The bloodshed was hideous. Millions were massacres in the name of Titanic and there were few families left that had not lost someone in the rioting. The old governments were removed and in their places came a new planetary theocracy dedicated to the worship of Titanic with James Cameron as its absolute ruler. Museums of the Holocaust and Slavery were torn down all over the world to make room for Titanic Museums. All other movies were burned and often their owners as well. All books unrelated to the Titanic were banned so that authors writing any new works were forced to insert refferences to the Titanic in them.

Shots of the brand new Titanic Square Garden, Titanic Memorial and Titanic National Park.

Narrator: Squads of teenage Titanic devotees known as The Cameron Guard scoured the neighborhoods searching for contraband materials. In the new Titanic Public Schools the next generation was taught to turn in parents who dared to watch Casablanca, E.T. or My Left Foot and as his first public act James Cameron declared the offical torutre and mutilation of Kenneth Turin in public broadcast live over TitanicVision. (TM) …And so the nightmare began.

Act 2 – A squalid urban apartment spattered with posters of Titanic and its actors. A TV set with no off button is showing part of a four hour speech by James Cameron. A badly dressed couple is huddled as far away from the TV set as they can get.

James Cameron: and so that was when I had my toe fungus removed. Please observe a minute of silence for my toe fungus…

Stella: Mikey please can’t we turn this down.

Mike: You know we can’t Stella, if we get caught it’s the TitanicCamps (TM) for us, for sure.

Stella: But I can’t take it anymore, sometimes I wake up in my sleep and I dream that I’m going down on the Titanic while Celine Dion is chasing me with an ax.

Mike: We have to keep going. Life is hard these days, we have no food, clean water or medicine but Titanic is rereleased every year with new and improved special effects so at least all our money is going somewhere.

Stella: But…but

Mike: What is it honey,

Stella: I’m sick of Titanic allready. Sure I liked it when it came out but after living for forty years under a TitanicDictatorship (TM) with nothing else on TV but interviews with James Cameron and scenes from the making of Titanic and nothing to read but more true stories from Titanic survivors and Part 87 of “I’m King of the World: The Autobiography of James Cameron, Savior of the Human race.”

Mike: Don’t say that Stella. Members of the Cameron guard are everywhere. If you get caught they send you to a TitanicReeducation camp. Old Joe from down the block got sent to one of those places and when he got out all he could say was “Jump, Rose, Jump.”

Stella: But I can’t keep living like this. What about our future. I want to get married someday before I’m in my 50s.

Mike: Stella honey, you know we’re not allowed to marry. It would defile the tradition set by Saint Rose and Saint Jack who never married or planned for a future together but simply had a glorious one night stand that lasted for the rest of her blessed life.

Stella: Yeah, yeah I know we’re all supposed to be the brides of Leo and not meant to be defiled by physical contact with any other man…but sometimes, just sometimes…

Mike: I know dariling, I know

James Cameron: …and that’s when someone put PCP in my food and I completely rewrote the script for Titanic. At that stoned moment like a firefly rushing to the mating dance of infinite love, I achieved a higher level of conciousness. That is why I say that my script from Titanic was dictated to me by no other than God himself…

Act 3 – A Communion service, a Catholic priest hands out TitanicWafers (TM) in the church aisle.

Priest: This is the blood, bone and life of Leonardo DeCaprio, eat of it and live.

Mike (to next in line Guy): How much longer is the TitanicEuchrist (TM) going to take ?

Guy: I don’t know, I’ve been waiting all morning. Blessed be Saint Jack and Saint Rose.

Mike: Okay I’ll go to TitanicConfession(TM) then. Praise Leo.

TitanicConffesionalBooth (TM)

Priest #2: Have you commited any sins my son ?

Mike: Yes, I took the name of James Cameron in vain when I hurt my arm working at the TitanicInsuraceCompany (TM), I contemplated physical relations with the one night stand with whom I’ve been with for thirty years and I had thoughts about a banned movie called The Odd Couple.

Priest #2: Is that all ?

Mike: No Father, I also laughed at a joke about Leo Christ (TM), the second coming of Christ.

Priest #2: What was the joke ?

Mike: Doc at the office said, “If we have to worship an actor as a God, shouldn’t we worship one that’s actually out of puberty ?”

Priest #2 “Blasphemy, this Doc is a well known free thinker and LeoDenier he will be sent to the TitanicReeducationCamps (TM) where he will be brought over to the side of the Titanic.

Mike: I understand Father

Priest #2: These are grevious sins my child, you must watch the Blessed Titanic 12 times and recite chapter 6, 80 and 437 from James Cameron’s autibiography and pray that the martyrs of the Titanic will forgive you for your sins. Keep away from the influence of the accursed Anti-Cameron, Satan…Kenneth Turin. That is all.”

Mike steps out of the TitanicConfessional (TM) reciting passages from Chapter 6, “The Diapering of a Legend.”

Mike: Even as a child I knew that I would go on to make Titanic and it was while my diapers were being changed that I first got the idea that served as the basis for “Titanic”, it had been a long day and I had eaten much applesauce which fluttered inside my youthfull stomach like fruity caterpillars sinking into the glorious coocon of the digestive system where they are transformed into the butterflies of fecal matter, and so too Titanic…

Mike bumps into the Guy

Mike: Pardon me, I was occupied studying the early years of the TitanicProphet (TM) and so did not notice you

Guy: You can stop talking like you’re on the Titanic. I’m not with the Cameron Guard.

Mike: I’m just tried, please don’t report me.

Guy: I’m not going to report you, have you heard of Kenneth Turin.

Mike: You mean the Anti-Cameron who was jealous of the accomplishment of the great Cameron and attempted to challenge Titanic and was cast down for his sins.

Guy: Those are all lies. Here, read this Article #1 and this Article #2 . Hide it quickly and read it at home and you” find out to the real truth about Titanic.

Act 4- Mike and Stella’s apartment. Stella is cooking, Mike and Guy enters.

Mike: Stella I want you to meet someone. This man has opened my eyes to the truth. Let’s get married, let’s be together for the rest of our lives.

Stella: Really, you mean that.

Mike: These articles I’ve read have changed my life. They’re by Kenneth Turin.

Stella: Not the Anti-Cameron himself. Supposedly he died long ago.

Mike: That’s what they wanted us to believe.

Stella: Than it’s all a lie and we can finally be free. I can’t wait to tell everyone. Titanic is a lousy movie !

James Cameron (on TV): Yes as a matter of fact I do see everything. Like the beady eyed hawk floating high in the stratosphere I look out into the eyes of every citizens and with the use of the latest TitanicAnti-Treason (TM) technology detect those in need of reeducation.

Interviewer: This is fascinating

James Cameron: Well I am King of the World…right now Mike and Stella Roth are comitting treason. They have consosrted with James Turin and they must pay the price. Praise Saint Rose and the martyrs of the Titanic.

Mike: How did he know…

Guy: Because I’m really with The Cameron Guard and you’re under arrest.

Act 5 – A TitanicPrisonCamp (TM) Movie Theather. A dark sparse arena full of men with shaved heads in striped uniforms seated under fading yellow light bulbs. An announcer stands near the white cloth screen with a iron bullhorn.

Announcer: Tonight’s presentation of Titanic is brought to you by Titanic in TitanicVision. Praise Leo…but first welcome to Sixty Seconds of Hate.

A picture of Kenneth Turin is shown on the screen.

Announcer: Behold the Anti-Cameron, hate him, revile him.

The audience goes nuts throwing bottle shards and jagged rocks at the screen which stike a glass guard and fall back.

Announcer: I see Mike in the back row is not taking part in the sixty seconds of hate…he needs more reeducation.

Act 7 – A tiny chamber. A starved guant looking Mike is seated, strapped into a metallic chair, his eyes forced open watching Titanic. He looks as if he has been here for many days. Guy stands watching him.

Mike: No I, can’t, take it anymore. I know the truth, someone must know the truth…this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

Guy: and how do you know that, are you a movie critic. How do you have the arrogance to challenge a movie which is bigger than Jesus, literaily.

Mike: I just know, it’s a bad movie. I mean listen to the dialouge. No one actually talks like that.

Guy: and the whole Picasso thing is stupid isn’t it. I mean it’s a cheap ploy by a stupid man meant for an audience of sheep.

Mike: Yes of course, that’s what I’ve been saying all along.

Guy: But don’t you see that doesn’t matter. So what if you’re right, what’s the point of being right if no one agrees with you. Everyone likes Titanic, so go along with them.

Mike: But it’s just such a bad movie. Can’t we form a society around something other than Titanic.

Guy: So you want to be a non-conformist.

Mike: Yes, that’s exactly what I want to be.

Guy: Well much as you would enjoy playing the cynical critic, the know it all who looks down on society. We can’t allow that. Everything you know and believe must be subservient to Titanic because the emperor has no clothes. Titanic’s success from the moment that it was released depended on a mass reaction, a lemming like rush that no one dares questions. Once one man challenges that and points out that the emperor has no clothes than the slide downward begins.

Mike: Good, let it begin

Guy: I’m afraid not. You will be reeducated. Everything you are will become once again subservient to Titanic. You will go and see it over and over again and applaud frantically like the rest of the sheep and count the moments until you can go to see Titanic again. You will win the victory over yourself and learn to love Titanic.

Mike: You’ll never succeed !

Guy: Why not, what do you have that can withstand Titanic. Stella ? I think not.

Mike: We’ll see

Guy: Yes, we will. Here is chapter 1 from Part 603 of James Cameron’s autobiography…”I flew with the wings of pigs over the rapid embankment of the soul, my lullabyes beat like a herd of frozen love, I knew than than the circles were broken, that the last gallons of water had found their mossy glass Napoleon and I was alone and trapped in the paper trail of empty days. O sorrow me the lost of things so stolen, without hygenic martyrs we”ll never see the day,,,”

Mike: No, read it to Stella and not to me ! READ IT TO STELLA !!!!

Guy: Yes, we’ve seen.

Act 8 – A much older Mike walks down the street past dozens of movie theathers with lines crowded around them going for blocks. They are all showing Titanic. He walks up to the ticket booth and says…

Mike: Jump, Rose, Jump.

The clerk hands him a ticket. He goes in and takes a seat. The previews for Titanic are played first and than several minutes of music from radio stations playing songs from Titanic or songs about Titanic.

The movie begins and he watches it intently to the last minute at which point he starts crying. It had taken him forty years to learn what kind of romantic power and drama this movie had. O Titanic. O cruel needless misunderstanding. O cynical arrogance that had kept him from seeing all this. Two tears trickle down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right. He had won the battle over himself. Mike has finally learned to Love Titanic.

(He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden underneath the dark mustache. O cruel needless misunderstanding. O stubborn self-willed exile from the loving breast. Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right. He had finally won the battle over himself. He loved Big Brother. – The ending of George Orwell’s 1984)

Act 9 – A backlot alley, a grime smeared kid is playing with the wreck of an ancient looking portable TV/VCR combo. He presses a button and suddenly an image appears on the screen. A young man in dusty white clothes is standing with white binoculars raised into the sky looking up…

The kid rewinds the tape and words begin to move slowly towards the apex of the screen.

Video: A long time ago in a place far, far away…

The End

Support for Ron Paul Continues to Grow by the Minute

Researchers at the Ron Paul Institute for Polling report that support for maverick Republican candidate Ron Paul is growing incrementally by the minute.

“By our calculations, based on web polls, technocrati and Digg, twelve million people supported Ron Paul for President last week,” said Jeff Renseley of the organization, Bazooka Owners for Ron Paul, “by this Sunday, already 80 million people supported Ron Paul. By Monday that number has gone all the way up to 700 million. Using our pocket calculators, we believe that gives Ron Paul enough votes to win the New Hampshire primary.”

While phone polls continue to show that support for Ron Paul lies somewhere between the average support for another run by Ralph Nader, the return of New Coke and an incontinent goat; web polls report that Ron Paul has picked up the support of much of the solar system.

“Today I am proud to report that Ron Paul has the support of the entire population of the earth and parts of Mars and Venus,” Jack Bobster the III, Chairman of The New Confederacy reported in a speech at the Texas Memorial Lugers Association. “While the mainstream media continues to suppress the reports of allegiance coming to Ron Paul from Alpha Centauri, the NWO Media can’t hide the truth for much longer.”

An official release attempted to explain the discrepancy between the real polls and the web polls by pointing out that most Ron Paul supporters are actually homeless people with text messaging and internet access.

“Ron Paul enjoys the support of the youth vote. Millions of 2 year olds who continue to be unrepresented in the mainstream media have enthusiastically declared their support for Ron Paul,” the press release stated. “Even though these babies are not counted in official media polls, they have expressed their desire not to die in another ZOG war for oil and human brains.”

Meanwhile in actual door to door polling in New Hampshire, Ron Paul supporters with some difficulty located one man who had heard of Ron Paul.

“Ron Paul? Ron Paul?” said Paul Codgers, a sprightly octogenarian, “you tell that little punk the next time he delivers my groceries late, I’ll beat him with my cane.”

Ron Paul supporters shrugged and decided to count him as three billion people.

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