Space Ramblings

Category Archives: Parody And Satire

Ubisoft Announces that PC Releases of their Games Will No Longer Work Unless there is a Ubisoft Employee Sitting in Your Living Room

Citing the spiraling costs of piracy and the need to create a more interactive gaming experience, Ubisoft has announced that PC releases of its games such as Assassin’s Creed 3, Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell 3 Rainbow Six 4 and The Settlers 24 will no longer work without the supervision of a Ubisoft employee sitting in your living room.

“We’ve tried DRM. We’ve tried making our games online only. And we tried lining the inside of the CD cases with plastic explosives that detonate automatically if they fail to recognize the user’s fingerprints, but none of it is enough,” said Ubisoft spokesman Pierre Larouge. “So now to improve the user experience, to play a Ubisoft game you will have to have an employee of Ubisoft there in your living room. At random times in the game, it will prompt him to enter a secret code which only he knows, if he does not enter it, the game will format your hard drive.”

Supposedly based on the code from Lost which had to be entered every hour, the so-called Ubisoft “Hatch” DRM has elicited protests from gaming sites which argue that Ubisoft will not have enough employees to allow people to play at their own convenience. “What if I want to play Quest for the Repackaged Brand 2 at 3 AM?” demanded portly GamersBuzz editor Wink Nartley. “Will a Ubisoft employee be there to enter the code for me?”

In response, Ubisoft has assured players that they are recruiting a small army of homeless people to be available in their living room around the clock, and announced a new PC Gamer outreach campaign in concert with Microsoft that they’re calling “Just Buy an XBox Already”.

Apple Feels threatened by Black People in Windows 7 Ads

The latest Windows 7 ad campaign featuring people who wouldn’t appear in Apple ads claiming to be PC’s and coming up with the idea for Windows 7, is reporting making the Cult of Mac feel threatened. Hoodie wearing graphic designers in Park Slope have begun tiptoeing warily around the billboards while clutching their iMacs to their Arcade Fire t-shirts. While at first many Mac fans mistook the Windows 7 ads for some sort of ironic statement, the realization has slowly crept in that unlike the new Yahoo ads, these are not actually ironic statements about the eternal suffering of man, but real ads for a new Windows OS.

Worry has also been spreading through the transparent cubicles of Apple Electronics Inc Etc, as Apple’s top notch marketing department and font specialists try to figure out how to fight back and watch an entire season pass of Flight of the Conchords at the same time. “We’re completely okay with black people,” said Apple’s director of communications, Bryn Mawr grad Holly Whistleton. “And here at Apple we think they have their place, dancing around while wearing iPods. But when it comes to using Macs, that’s something it takes a sexually ambiguous twenty something Harvard dropout to do properly.”

Steve Jobs however is back at work and on the problem. While Apple has categorically refused to actual black people in the ads, a crack team of Apple’s top researchers buzzed on smart drinks is hard at work developing an alternative to black people. “We at Apple refuse to go along with the old concept of black people. We refuse to be satisfied with that,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “We want to develop Apple’s vision of what black people should be. Shinier, with Apple logos stamped on them and much more useful.” As his first move, Jobs put in a call to the KKK, whose shiny white uniforms match the Apple offices and product line so much better.

How I Discovered Babylon 5

Personally I discovered Babylon 5 in a garbage can.

I was just in my front yard when I noticed an odd stench coming from a trash can. Curious I lifted the lid and behold, there was Babylon 5! At first I tried to pour pine scent on it to kill the smell but clearly Babylon 5 was rotting from the inside and the smell just wouldn’t die.

I tried to pick up Babylon 5 and throw it in my neighbor’s trash but it was slimy and slippery and I just couldn’t hold on to it. That morning I checked the garbage and the trash men had left it in the can, it seems that even the sanitation engineers couldn’t stand Babylon 5.

I was desperate and quickly running out of options. Finally it hit me, I took the can to a comic book store and instantly I was overwhelmed by hundreds of 5 foot 3 geeks covered in zits desperately fighting over Babylon 5. I held an auction and sold Babylon 5 to them for 18 dollars, 64 cents and 3 issues of Gorkman, Duck Killer. After that I sold them some old newspaper and a crate of spoiled eggs too that were in the can and that is how I discovered Babylon 5!

BinkBink’s FUD Myths about the Orphan Works Act of 2008

BinkBink.net

It has come to our attention that some of you pesky artists and photographers are upset by Uncle Howie Berman’s wonderful Orphan Works Act of 2008. Some of you are even running around and screaming like chickens with your heads cut off OH NOES CONGRESS IS PASSING A BILL TO DEPRIVE US OF OUR LEGAL RIGHTS. So stop that nonsense at once. Don’t you know that the only people allowed to engage in alarmist copyright hysteria about congressional bills belong to the EFF? Good.

Now here’s why Uncle Howie Berman’s bill is so wonderful for everyone including creative people. (For the purposes of this post creative people will be defined as anyone with an unlicensed copy of photoshop who reads BinkBink and enjoys turning advertisements from magazines into steampunk by pasting cut out pictures of gears on them, see BinkBink 1/08/38).

Orphan Works is a major problem for publishers who want to distribute a lot of content without actually paying their creators anything. Also occasionally it’s a problem for site publishers who want to use really cool stuff someone else made without having to go to the trouble of who made it and what their copyright status is. The Orphan Works Act of 2008 from Howard Berman will solve all those pesky problems with a magic wand, some gnomes and an elf.

There is absolutely no truth to the fact that a registry will be involved or that there is any such thing as the Orphan Works Act of 2008. This is all FUD spread by big rich artists with an agenda to frighten you into not paying attention to what BinkBink is telling you. Howie Berman has only your best interests at heart this time, except for the other 99 percent of the time where his bills involve calling for the installation of orbital space stations around the earth to drop meteors on file sharers (which we at BinkBink oppose). So ignore the FUD and stop worrying and learn to love not having any rights at all.

P.S. Copyright is not a right but a privilege. Ha Ha.

Link.

5 out of 6 New Hampshire Voters Say Ron Paul Reminds Them of Uncle Who Molested Them

While web polls continue to show that not only is Ron Paul in the lead but that he has 135 percent of the vote, counting the Ukranian botnets, Ron Paul continues to struggle in real life polls. Unlike web polls, real life polls are harder to fake. Ron Paul’s Stormfront following did briefly unveil Operation Ron Paul, a a plan to seize the entire state of Rhode Island, confiscate all the phones and create a monopoly on polls for the state, this plan failed to come to fruition after a batch of tainted bear caused widespread diahrea among the entire Aryan Ron Paul Meetup Group.

Meanwhile polls of New Hampshire voters reveal that 5 out of 6 New Hampshire voters say Ron Paul reminds them of that creepy uncle who molested them when they were kids.

“Yeah sorta,” said Marylin Edmond, 32, “he really reminds me of Uncle Floyd. Uncle Floyd used to have this creepy smile too and he talked like he had just been huffing helium. Also he was against the government and he kept trying to get us down into his underground shack where he was going to wait out Armageddon.”

“The first time I saw him on TV, I said damn, that’s my dad’s bastard brother who molested us when we were kids,” said Earl Jenkins, 24, “then I heard his crazy accent and found out it was actually some nut from Texas named Ron Paul who wants to be President.”

Ron Paul’s campaign has had a mixed reaction to these results, insisting that the mainstream media had worked for years to create a negative reaction to Ron Paul’s eventual candidacy by portraying molesters as short men with creepy smiles and squeaky effeminate voices.

Meanwhile Ron Paul supporters spammed Digg in outrage over this turns of events blaming someone named “Ghouliani” and his priest for the whole thing.

“Look at the Constitution it doesn’t say anything there about Molesting,” wrote NaziGlueHuffersForPaul88, “the Founders intended this country to get away from all the Big Government stuffiness about molesting people. That’s the only laws that should exist. We can have all the guns we want, shoot all the minorities we want and molest all the kids we can kidnap at gunpoint. That’s why I’m voting for Ron Paul. Also he reminds me of my uncle. Man I had some great camping trips with my uncle!”

Vote Ron Paul.

How to Write Like Stephen R. Donaldson

If you’re like me, then you have probably woken up every morning with the burning question on your lips, how can I write like Stephen R. Donaldson. Why would you want to write like Stephen R. Donaldson? What a silly questions, for asking that you’ve obviously been neglecting your supply of magic mushrooms, because I’ll have you know that Stephen R. Donaldson was praised by the Village Voice. That’s right, THE Village Voice you ignorant mushroom deprived buffoon. So pay attention now.

The key to writing like Stephen R. Donaldson is three things.

First overwrought emoting. Over the top and borderline out of your mind is key.

Second, never use a 5 or 20 dollar word if a 50 dollar or 300 dollar word is available. If the word hasn’t been used in a few centuries, no one in this era has heard of it and it doesn’t exist, so much the better.

Third, avoid characters who behave with the faintest tinge of rationality or sanity.

Good, now we can begin as I show you how to translate your writing into the brilliantly magical writing of Stephen R. Donaldson.

You: “Jack was tired and he could barely hold himself together as he staggered over the rocky slope and into his bedroll. When he got up the next morning, he had cornflakes”

Stephen R. Donaldson: “The body of Jack ached with the striated pains and agonies of the multifold awareness of the terrors that had haunted his days and the tremors swelling within the rue haunted musculature of his worn frame. His feet, grizzled by the unwarranted threnody of their unaccustomed dimunition stumbled lonesomely across slate and shale beneath the ashen tinged torc of the hill. He was aware that his bedroll still scented with lavender and anise lay ahead of him but he no longer felt that he had the strength to reach it or the moral right to claim it. His frangible human form clamored for it with the strict insistence of fatigue and injury yet his mind rejected its cushioned wholeness with a rectitude born of his unwearing self-loathing that would not see his own refusal rebutted with a night’s rest. As body and mind warred, Jack could not seem to walk anymore, he crawled in a frenzied haze to a destination he did not know, certain that when he arrived there he would go mad or destroy the world with his barren arena of stratospheric guilt, whose demense was the demented confines of his own worry bred psyche. When he got up the next morning, he had cornflakes.”

Andrew Ryan of Bioshock endorses Ron Paul for President

Hello, my name is Andrew Ryan and I’m here to ask you a question, isn’t a man entitled to the sweat of his own brow?

No, says the man in Washington. It belongs to the poor. No, says the man in the Vatican. It belongs to God. No, says the man in Moscow. It belongs to everyone.

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose Ron Paul. I chose Ron Paul because only Ron Paul supports my personal ideas of liberty. I escaped the Soviet Union in search of freedom and in the face of a growing monolithic government, I saw the ideals of this once great nation become degraded by creeping socialism.

It got so bad that I felt that I had no choice but to escape and perhaps found some sort of underwater utopian society dedicated to absolute liberty. Until all my submarines get constructed though, I have decided to speak to you about the importance of supporting my candidate, Congressman Ron Paul. Like me, Ron Paul opposes the power of the Federal government which seeks to rob men of their honest toil and replace utility with a false benevolence.

The modern world was created by great men, men like Ron Paul, and the labor of those great men continues to be raided in order to support the parasitic needs of the weak and the indolent and the corrupt. And thus I give you Raptur… I mean Ron Paul.

Ron Paul is the only candidate who supports a vision of America that I can entirely identify with. First isolationism, we don’t need the world. All we need is a self-contained society that keeps outsiders away so we can all live happily ever after.

Second we must suspend all laws to permit anyone to do what they like, especially when it comes to supposedly immoral scientific research.

Thirdly, guns. All our problems can be corrected if we have vending machines with guns installed everywhere.

Therefore I Andrew Ryan confidently support Ron Paul for President believing that he will bring us to a glorious era of peace, liberty and prosperity.

Top 10 Creepiest Ron Paul Meetup Groups

Everyone knows about Ron Paul by now and if you don’t know who Ron Paul is, you probably have a life. And the main way that Ron Paul supporters meet to organize spamming campaigns and creepy orgies in each other’s padded basements is via Meetup Groups. Now presented here are the Top 10 Creepiest Ron Paul Meetup Groups.

10. Jay Leno Lookalikes for Ron Paul 2008 – Meetup Group

9. Al Ansar Martyrs Brigade for Ron Paul – Go Paul! – Meetup Group

8. Original Cast of “Charles in Charge” for Ron Paul (except Scott Baio) – Meetup Group

7. Saw iV / Ron Paul Alaska Campaign – Meetup Group

6. FEMA was Behind 9/11 for Ron Paul in ’08 – Meetup Group

5. NaziGlueHuffersForRonPaul88 Meetup – Go PAUL!!!!! GO!!! – Meetup Group

4. Convicted Sex Offenders for that Cute Ron Paul guy – Meetup Group

3. Victims of Sharp Blows to the Head for Ron Paul in ’03 – Meetup Group

2. Ron Paul is the Reincarnation of Jesus Christ on Earth – Meetup Group

1. Gitmo Convicts for Ron Paul (We Donated) – Meetup Group

Top 10 fan rejected TV Guide suggestions for ‘fixing Star Trek’

star trek enterprise terra nova

This week’s issue of TV Guide featured a selection of readers’ suggestions for fixing Star Trek. Unfortunately some suggestions were deemed too controversial ‘out of the box’ and were censored by the editors of TV Guide.

John Mansur: Everybody loves monkeys. Every time I watch an episode of Star Trek I think of how much better it would be with monkeys in it. For instance in The Crossing instead of the Enterprise crew being possessed by wisp aliens, they should have been possesed by monkeys. It would have made the episode like twice as good.

Andrew Lewiston: There’s one thing and only thing that can save Star Trek. Captain Sulu. Paramount had its chance to approve the Excelsior series and they failed. But it’s still not too late. Assuming that Sulu in the original series was actually much older than he looked, he could still be alive during the current series as an infant. A  super-intelligent infant who takes over as Captain of the Enterprise when Archer dies in a freak dog decontamination accident.

Jean Tyler: Star Trek originally used to be about tolerance and embracing diversity but the refusal to have a gay character on 5 Star Trek series contradicts that entire image. To compensate Star Trek must now make 5 of Enterprise’s cast of characters gay immediately.

Samantha Limon: The reason Star Trek isn’t as popular as it used to be is because during the Original Series there were only three networks and now there are six. Tthe only answer is for Star Trek fans to band together and destroy FOX, UPN and the WB by any means necessary.

Warren Mitchell: With all the conflicts and hatreds in the world today, what Star Trek needs to do is teach tolerance by bringing back the aliens who were half white on one side of their faces and half black on the other. I know before that episode I used to hate people who were half black on one side of their faces and half white on the other but after that episode, I didn’t hate them nearly as much anymore.

Terrence Bach: Star Trek needs to be more realistic. Every time somebody dies on Star Trek it always looks so fake. I think that when somebody dies on Star Trek, they should kill him for real. I bet that would get great ratings.

Dana Weiner: Star Trek’s greatest flaw has been a fear of addressing religion. DS9 tried to change that but it didn’t do nearly enough. I think the Star Trek crews should all find different religions and address world events by constantly arguing and fighting to the death over which religion is better. Eventually when one religion wins out they could get a new mission of going around the galaxy and forcing other people to join their religion.

Michael Wilson: Four words. Bring back Gene Roddenberry. I know he’s dead but isn’t that what Ouija boards are for? He can rap once if he wants Enterprise to pursue more socially relevant episodes and rap twice if he wants the entire cast to wear miniskirts.

Rick Engels: The producers have spent too much time placing profits before quality. They need to forget profits entirely. Star Trek should be done on a non-profit basis on PBS.

Harold Mosley: It’s become clear on reading these suggestions that fans know how to run Star Trek better than its producers do. So why not have a Star Trek series with a mostly gay cast headed by Captain Sulu wearing mini-skirts while constantly fighting off monkeys on PBS with Gene Roddenberry communicating from the spirit world as its
executive producer?

How much worse could it be anyway?

Why Ron Paul is like Forrest Gump

As most people know everyone loves Forrest Gump. They love Forrest Gump because he represents the simple American virtues of mispronouncing basic words and having a naive and good hearted belief in human goodness. Ron Paul supporters try to pass Ron Paul off as a political Forrest Gump, a simple goodhearted man who wants to set Americans free of their oppressive government. And in many ways Ron Paul does resemble Forrest Gump, if Forrest Gump hated black people. Unfortunately for Ron Paul, Forrest Gump actually liked black people. This means that Forrest Gump is nothing like Ron Paul and would probably punch Ron Paul in the face if he were real. If Ron Paul were real that is. Even as a fictional character Forrest Gump is still more real than Ron Paul.

Now I’m not saying that Ron Paul is mildly retarded. There’s really no way of proving that just because Ron Paul speaks slowly, says a lot of stupid things and keeps on pretending that he doesn’t notice all the Neo-Nazis who are supporting his campaign. There could be many reasons why he acts like this. It could be because he’s mildly retarded. Also it could be because he’s a liar and just dimwitted. It’s hard to tell. I think the Ron Paul for President in 2008 campaign should tell people that he’s retarded as this would get them the sympathy vote. Also that time when Ron Paul said that 95 percent of black people are criminals wouldn’t be so bad, because people would just nod understandingly and say, “What can you expect from the boy, he’s just plain retarded.”

Overall I would vote for Forrest Gump before I would vote for Ron Paul because Forrest Gump’s foreign policy of playing ping pong and rescuing wounded soldiers makes more sense than Ron Paul’s foreign policy of stealing ideas from Noam Chomsky and using his magic powers to make terrorists leave us alone. Also Forrest Gump took care of a girl with AIDS. Ron Paul delivered one black baby and won’t shut up about it every time someone points out that he’s a big giant racist.

Some Ron Paul supporters will take issue with my supporting Forrest Gump over Ron Paul because he was retarded. I would like to point out that Forrest Gump is still smarter than every Ron Paul supporter. Ever. Combined.

How do I know this? Easy. Even Forrest Gump would never vote for Ron Paul.

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