Space Ramblings

Category Archives: Comedy

Liveblogging Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion

Liveblogging things is very popular (obnoxious) now and more and more reporters are jumping on board by liveblogging everything from movies to funerals to movie funerals. This interesting (annoying) trend has caused the attention of editors (clueless nitwits) and publishers (desperate clueless nitwits) eager to provide a new form of content (desperate to keep the kids from going somewhere else) for the reading public (old people).

That’s why we’ve decided to do you a service (disservice) by liveblogging Oblivion.

Just began playing… oh man Patrick Stewart got really fat 12:29 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Okay so the Emperor is running for his life, naturally he wants to stay and chat with a condemned prisoner 12:33 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Giant rats, why is it always giant rats? Why can’t it be giant hamsters or giant hedgehogs. Giant hedgehogs would be so much scarier. 12:43 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Another stupid quest. Great. Does anyone in Cyrodil even have jobs or just quests? 12:42 PM March 11, 2008 from web

A side effect of the Daedra invasion is that everyone got fat making their faces look like dough. I thought it was just Patrick Stewart. Let’s call it a plague, or just download the Natural Faces mod. 12:53 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Okay so now the Emperor’s bastard monk son will lead the Empire even though his only experience is being a monk. I’m not seeing a good outcome here. 12:55 PM March 11, 2008 from web

Stop telling me how good I am with a blade. I never even promised to call you. 1:05 AM March 11, 2008 from web

Would it really be wrong if I just hijacked one of these ships to Morrowind in search of a better game? 1:12 AM March 11, 2008 from web

Yes I know I’m good with a blade. Here’s a demonstration. Yes I will resist arrest. 1:18 AM March 11, 2008 from web

Okay so I’m a wanted fugitive and a vampire but on the up side I get to kill everyone who says something stupid to me, which in this game is everyone. Radiant AI, take this! 1:23 AM March 11, 2008 from web

That’s right, the Emperor is dead. And you’re next! 1:35 AM March 11, 2008 from web

So when is GTA IV coming out for PC anyway? 1:41 AM March 11, 2008 from web

The Worst 5 Upcoming Baen Books novels

5. Bardon’s Revenge of Fury by David Drake and David Webber – First they blew up his planet, then they blew up his galaxy and then they blew up his starship. But that was their last mistake. Now Jon Bardon, mercenary with a grudge, and former Imperial Commando of the Secret Space Guards is after the Ap’Rij’hit Ra’none and nothing will stand in his way including an alien armada, bounty hunters, a seductive Imperial princess and his ex-wife who is now the Empress or something. Let the fury begin!

4. Applebee’s Elves by Jody Lynn Nye and Sarah A. Hoyt – When Emmie Winston who has believed all her life in elves discovers elves working at her local Applebee’s she is delighted and her 13 cats are even more delighted. But the presence of evil land developers who want to turn the Applebee’s into a nuclear power plant because they hate mother nature is a threat to the discovery of the secret of the elves. Also one of the elves might be a secret prince or something.

3. Russkies of the American Empire by S.M. Stirling – When Mike Barton, forest ranger formerly in the Gulf War, stumbles through an unexplained doorway into an alternate universe where the Russians colonized Russia and turned it into a vast Gulag full of Indians, there’s only one thing for him to do, lead the Indian tribes in a rebellion against their Russky overlords. Also for some reason in this universe fire and friction based weapons doesn’t work requiring Mike to invent an entire technology based on ice.

2. Smash the Space Bastards from Orion! by Eric Flint, John Ringo and Dave Freer – What if dinosaurs ruled the universe except on earth? Also what if they could use magic? Now imagine a dinosaur galactic empire based on magic battling humans in technological starships who are the only race in the galaxy on whom magic doesn’t work. Also imagine that in a last ditch effort to stop humanity the evil space dinosaurs go back in time to the age of the Vikings requiring Captain John Mistletoe USN to ally with the Vikings of the 4th century to destroy the dinosaur space menace once and for all. Also Captain John Mistletoe is blind but he has a really smart psychic seeing eye dog. Imagine that!

1. The Imaginary Brigade by Mercedes Lackey and Lois McMaster Bujold – When the International Space Station explodes sending researcher Diane Crawford back in time to the Age of Atlantis when wizards use magic, she discovers that the most powerful magic of all is love, and also crystals. But will it be enough to save Atlantis from the elves and their fearsome Imaginary Brigade that doesn’t exist? Can Diane go back to the present after discovering her magical abilities? Can you think of a reason for buying this novel? Yes, you’re still only thirteen.

I’m Sorry, But I Find Your Hell Dimension Extremely Underwhelming

I know I’m not really supposed to say anything and it’s probably a really impolite thing to say but honestly I find your hell dimension really underwhelming. I mean I get what you’re going for, but the problem it’s the thing that everyone else is going for and that evil Playboy Mansion furnished by Alistair Crowley look with assorted bits of interior design from Ozzy Osbourne is just downright tacky.

Let’s get right down to it. I understand you probably can’t do anything about the sky and with that red was the obvious motif, but why limit yourself to just one color. I know that you’re trying to convey blood but most people are more likely to associate your shade of red with Coca Cola or Little Orphan Annie, because we don’t spend all our time wading knee deep in human organs. And that’s another thing, what all the corpses say to me is just bad housekeeping and that’s only terrifying to housekeepers and old maids. If you can’t even be bothered to clean up the place, how seriously am I supposed to take your inhuman organization in the first place? Even our own government cleans up after themselves, you don’t see giant piles of corpses littering the Pentagon now do you? All that a mess like this says is disorganization and your disorganization isn’t scaring anyone.

Also all the mysterious writing in an unreadable script isn’t really terrifying, even though it’s written in blood, because I can’t read what it says. It might be more frightening if I could read it and it said something scary, instead for all I know it probably says your dimension’s equivalent of NO PARKING HERE and NO SPITTING IN THE CORNERS. Finally could we get a few chairs in here. I mean you people must sit somewhere. You have the anatomy for it or enough of the anatomy for it. Let’s put in a sofa and a couch, hell you can even make it red, just try not to stick spikes on it.

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and a Sheep?

Apparently you get Gorgo, the Monster from the Sea.

I don’t know about you but Gorgo’s heart doesn’t really seem to be in it. The dinosaur part of him is slavering, but the sheep part of him just wants to do some grazing. That’s just what happens when you cross a dinosaur and a sheep. The dinosaur part of him wants to smash people in revenge for portraying his species as a bunch of happy go lucky purple pals who dance and sing to raise money for PBS, while the sheep part of him just wants to graze in a green field, while making ironic observations about UFO’s. This of course leaves Gorgo torn between two worlds, and two destinies. On the other hand being burned with a flamethower has yet to put anyone in a good mood.

But it figures that Japan would get the cool monsters, while any monster that attacks the UK has to have a horrid but unmistakable resemblance to Prince Charles. Even British monsters can’t help being inbred and sardonic, while of course boasting truly terrible teeth. There’s no help for it but for the UK to fall back on American and Japanese monster imports. Not if the scariest thing they can come up with is a reptilian thirty meter Prince Charles, which I’ll grant you is fairly scary indeed on a day to day basis, but just doesn’t cause people to flee for the hills or bring out the flame throwers. Though maybe it should.

How to Write a Battlestar Galactica Episode

These days Battlestar Galactica is a very popular SciFi TV series among people who don’t watch TV or read SciFi. That means everyone wants to write their own Battlestar Galactica episode. The question is how, but the answer is very simple. First take a piece of paper, write down your favorite things about the show and then crumple it in a little ball and put it in your mouth. Ron Moore should receive your pitch in six to eight weeks.

But to be serious for a picosecond, writing a Battlestar Galactica episode is very easy for those who haven’t tried it. All you need to do is break down your episode into the same exact elements that every other Battlestar Galactica episode has.

Let’s get started

1. A regular or recurring character experiences a drinking binge or a crisis of faith that causes him or her to question his or her beliefs while engaging in senseless and self-destructive behavior.

2. An extended armed standoff takes place between armed individuals or starships in which no one but a minor supporting character dies to milk some pathos out of the moment.

3. Someone has a vision, consisting of music, scenes from previous visions and no explanation for any of it.

4. Several Cylons or humans or both talk about how depressed they are and wonder if life has any meaning at all.

5. Adama and an unstated number of characters brood significantly while staring at A) Space B) A bulkhead C) Their own palm D) BSG’s last remaining audience

Now that you have these 5 vital elements in place, it’s easy to assemble your episode. Just plug in whatever names you feel comfortable with.

Let me set it up for you…

__________ experiences a crisis of faith after ____________ and winds up _________ to ______________. Meanwhile the ___________ faces an armed standoff with _____________ even as _____________ experiences further visions causing himher to question whether ______________ is even real. Also ____________ broods a lot.

Feel free to plug anything in there, it’ll still be considered visionary no matter what you insert in there. For example

Chief _ experiences a crisis of faith after _ catching a cold from a nebula ___ and winds getting drunk to __a wind farm. Meanwhile the ___ bulkhead __ faces an armed standoff with ___ Hera ___ even as __someone___ experiences further visions causing himher to question whether __teddy bear___ is even real. Also ___Adama__ broods a lot.

Congratulations you’ve written your first Battlestar Galactica episode. Now crumple it up and stick it in your mouth. Ron Moore will be sure to receive your pitch in 6 to 8 weeks.

The E’s of Heisenberg

There are three E’s in Heisenberg. Five E’s in Werner Heisenberg. The variant principle distinguishing the three E’s of Heisenberg and the five E’s of Werner Heisenberg depend on such variables as formality and formal knowledge. The placement of the E’s of Heisenberg are fairly straightforward, yet attempting to place with absolute certainty the position of each and every one of the E’s of Heisenberg can cause you to run straight into the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle has 5 E’s. This is however of no particular relevance to the matter. What the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle defines is that we can know the number of E’s in Heisenberg, yet never know the exact position of each E in Heisenberg at a given time. This can result in spelling Heisenberg as Hiesenberg or Heesenberg or Hiesenbeerg as many Swedes are wont to do. The more our focus turns to the E’s in Heisenberg, curiously our ability to actually spell Heisenberg with the correct placement of E’s diminishes. This is an unfortunate yet inevitable byproduct of the universe (2 E’s) and its lack of tolerance for stupid people.

10 Things No Human Being Should Ever Have to Experience

1. Harry Knowles Aint It Cool News review of Blade II. If you haven’t ever read it consider yourself very lucky and don’t go looking for it. Unless you’re tired of living.

2. Any movie made by Uwe Boll. This also extends to anyone making fun of movies by Uwe Boll. Broad side of a barn. Target.

3. Taking LSD at a Thomas Kinkade exhibition. Visions of hell would be a vast improvement.

4. Waking up to Ward Churchill on WBAI. Second worst way to wake up never, not involving a penguin.

5. Anime fans talking about anything involving Anime.

6. Battlestar Galactica montages set to mournful music. Why can’t the Cylons just kill them all already.

7. Riker shaving his beard in a tub

8. Any TV show involving a fat slob married to a former model

9. Brits complaining about the US TV reworking of The Office. Did we complain about Coupling? Shut up. Besides you’ll find there are people on Planet Earth who expect more from a TV show than 13 episodes in 2 years. They’re called Americans. They make most of the TV you watch. The preceding is the reason for it.

10. Lexx. Enough said.

If you’ve got anything to add to the list, sing out with it or remain forever in shut the hell up land.

How I Discovered Babylon 5

Personally I discovered Babylon 5 in a garbage can.

I was just in my front yard when I noticed an odd stench coming from a trash can. Curious I lifted the lid and behold, there was Babylon 5! At first I tried to pour pine scent on it to kill the smell but clearly Babylon 5 was rotting from the inside and the smell just wouldn’t die.

I tried to pick up Babylon 5 and throw it in my neighbor’s trash but it was slimy and slippery and I just couldn’t hold on to it. That morning I checked the garbage and the trash men had left it in the can, it seems that even the sanitation engineers couldn’t stand Babylon 5.

I was desperate and quickly running out of options. Finally it hit me, I took the can to a comic book store and instantly I was overwhelmed by hundreds of 5 foot 3 geeks covered in zits desperately fighting over Babylon 5. I held an auction and sold Babylon 5 to them for 18 dollars, 64 cents and 3 issues of Gorkman, Duck Killer. After that I sold them some old newspaper and a crate of spoiled eggs too that were in the can and that is how I discovered Babylon 5!

A Sneak Peek at Ridley Scott’s Monopoly 2020

With the news out that Ridley Scott will be producing and directing a futuristic adaptation of the Parker Brothers (really Hasbro or whoever owns Hasbro now) board game Monopoly, Space Ramblings has a unique sneak peek at the script for Monopoly 2020.

Monopoly 2020 will be directed by Ridley Scott with a script from Charlie Kaufman starring Anthony Hopkins as The Monopolist, a wealthy gentleman of means who finds himself pitted in a soulless economic competition to monopolize land, only to discover that he is a character in a mysterious game being played by The Players.

Monopoly 2020 also reunites Ridley Scott once again with Russell Crowe as the mysterious Boot, a lost man with nothing to live for, imprisoned in jail for passing Go, a crime he did not commit. Can The Monopolist and The Boot discover who The Players are? Also there are a lot of flying cars. And mutants who drive the flying cars. And in the end we discover the whole thing is only a board game playing itself.

Oblivion’s Ten Worst Mods

10. The Curious George Mod – After a long session of glue sniffing and a four page discussion thread on the official Oblivion forums, finally a mod that sticks every character in a long yellow coat. May involve some clipping with horses, weapons, cities and other gear.

9. Redneck Daedra – This Mod turns every Daedra into a hillbilly accompanied by grunting sound effects, caged pigs and names for sections of Oblivion such as, “Billy Bob’s Moonshine Saloon” and “NASCAR Oblivion Racetrack.”

8. Gold Coins to Dollars Mod – This Mod turns gold coins into dollars resulting in a constantly falling value for your money. Better buy that Elven mace or Advanced Life Detect spell fast because it will cost twice as much a month from now.

7. Gay Oblivion – Guards follow you around everywhere making constant comments about how muscular you are and how well you can handle a blade. No actual Mod needed.

6. Goblins to Congressmen – If you’re bored of killing Goblins, this Mod transforms the Goblins of Cyrodil into current US Congressmen through some sort of wacky time portal. Not recommended for people already under investigation by the authorities.

5. Drunk Mod – If you want the fun of staggering drunk through Grand Theft Auto IV but in Oblivion, this Mod will let you get legally and illegally drunk. Avoid driving horses under the influence.

4. More Annoying Oblivion – More leveling, more giant rats, more copycat dungeons, more annoying characters pestering you!! Moar annoying Oblivion more! Also comes with Lolcats.

3. Ron Paul Oblivion – You play a heroic elderly gynecologist on a quest to convince the foolish Imperial authorities to go back to the “Beads of String” standard and re-enslave the Argonians and Khajit.

2. The Good Oblivion Mod – Here’s your copy of The Elder Scrolls III Morrowind. Enjoy it.

1. Jib Jab Oblivion – Now that’s more like a real hell.

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