Space Ramblings

Category Archives: Comedy

Exclusive Plans for Dragon Age 3 Revealed

Fans have been waiting for it by the dozens and ever since the smash success of Dragon Age II, EA and Bioware have been eager to reveal the work being done on the sequel.

dragon age“Dragon Age III will take the Dragon Age II experience to the next level,” Mark Laidlaw promised. “Everything you loved about that game will be even better here. Dragon Age II took place in a single city over ten years, but Dragon Age III will take place over twenty years… in one room.”

EA expects players to look forward to a return to the world of Thedas, or one room in it, to explore that room, to battle armies of enemies who suddenly appear in the room.

“We’ve made some challenging choices here,” Laidlaw said, “for example you can’t go left anymore, just right. And we feel that really expands the player’s horizons. Because it’s all about choice and telling people that they can’t go left challenges them, it makes them think about the nature of choice in their own lives.”

As before the player will take on the role of Hawke, a penniless refugee turned champion who is bound on an amazing adventure in a single room. Along with his companions, four of whom are gay, he will play a major role in shaping the future of the room, and romance his companions by clicking on options and then saying unpredictable, but sexually harassing things to them.

“This is about a story,” Laidlaw said, “that takes place over twenty years, that raises real world questions about terrorism, the environment and how tight my headband is. It will showcase a brand new engine that will make every corner of the room shine. And it will allow you to battle without even thinking about it. All you have to do is keep hitting a button and you will automatically win.”

Reviewers who are in no way beholden to EA have already given the game an average score of 94 before even seeing it and Bioware promises a special DLC expansion, The Unpantsed Prince, that ingame characters will constantly mention to you until you break down and buy it.

Ubisoft Announces that PC Releases of their Games Will No Longer Work Unless there is a Ubisoft Employee Sitting in Your Living Room

Citing the spiraling costs of piracy and the need to create a more interactive gaming experience, Ubisoft has announced that PC releases of its games such as Assassin’s Creed 3, Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell 3 Rainbow Six 4 and The Settlers 24 will no longer work without the supervision of a Ubisoft employee sitting in your living room.

“We’ve tried DRM. We’ve tried making our games online only. And we tried lining the inside of the CD cases with plastic explosives that detonate automatically if they fail to recognize the user’s fingerprints, but none of it is enough,” said Ubisoft spokesman Pierre Larouge. “So now to improve the user experience, to play a Ubisoft game you will have to have an employee of Ubisoft there in your living room. At random times in the game, it will prompt him to enter a secret code which only he knows, if he does not enter it, the game will format your hard drive.”

Supposedly based on the code from Lost which had to be entered every hour, the so-called Ubisoft “Hatch” DRM has elicited protests from gaming sites which argue that Ubisoft will not have enough employees to allow people to play at their own convenience. “What if I want to play Quest for the Repackaged Brand 2 at 3 AM?” demanded portly GamersBuzz editor Wink Nartley. “Will a Ubisoft employee be there to enter the code for me?”

In response, Ubisoft has assured players that they are recruiting a small army of homeless people to be available in their living room around the clock, and announced a new PC Gamer outreach campaign in concert with Microsoft that they’re calling “Just Buy an XBox Already”.

Mets to Give up Baseball, Try Sucking at Other Sports

After another disastrous season, the Mets organization announced that it had made the painful but necessary decision to give up on sucking at Baseball and branch out into sucking at other sports.

“We’ve tried baseball and given it our best shot,” said Mets General Manager Omar Minaya. “For fifty years we’ve been trying to fill in for the Dodgers and the Giants and it just isn’t working anymore. Sure we’ve had our high points, but these days baseball is all about buying Japanese-Cuban players nurtured from birth on huge amounts of steroids and then paying them two hundred billion dollars on a ten year contract only to have them call in with a knee injury. And the Mets just can’t compete.

The Mets however are not giving up. The current plan is to take the Mets roster, made up of boat people on steroids and Daryl Strawberry, and explore sucking at other sports, including Mets ice hockey, Mets football, Mets urban soccer and Mets curling.

“We don’t know what the future will bring for us,” Minaya said, “oh wait we do, certain failure and defeat. But by switching sports unexpectedly we can keep the fans interested and unaware that we’re doomed to suck at anything we do that involves a ball of any kind. But until Queens sinks into the ocean, we’re still going to have loyal and completely clueless fans.”

Apple Feels threatened by Black People in Windows 7 Ads

The latest Windows 7 ad campaign featuring people who wouldn’t appear in Apple ads claiming to be PC’s and coming up with the idea for Windows 7, is reporting making the Cult of Mac feel threatened. Hoodie wearing graphic designers in Park Slope have begun tiptoeing warily around the billboards while clutching their iMacs to their Arcade Fire t-shirts. While at first many Mac fans mistook the Windows 7 ads for some sort of ironic statement, the realization has slowly crept in that unlike the new Yahoo ads, these are not actually ironic statements about the eternal suffering of man, but real ads for a new Windows OS.

Worry has also been spreading through the transparent cubicles of Apple Electronics Inc Etc, as Apple’s top notch marketing department and font specialists try to figure out how to fight back and watch an entire season pass of Flight of the Conchords at the same time. “We’re completely okay with black people,” said Apple’s director of communications, Bryn Mawr grad Holly Whistleton. “And here at Apple we think they have their place, dancing around while wearing iPods. But when it comes to using Macs, that’s something it takes a sexually ambiguous twenty something Harvard dropout to do properly.”

Steve Jobs however is back at work and on the problem. While Apple has categorically refused to actual black people in the ads, a crack team of Apple’s top researchers buzzed on smart drinks is hard at work developing an alternative to black people. “We at Apple refuse to go along with the old concept of black people. We refuse to be satisfied with that,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “We want to develop Apple’s vision of what black people should be. Shinier, with Apple logos stamped on them and much more useful.” As his first move, Jobs put in a call to the KKK, whose shiny white uniforms match the Apple offices and product line so much better.

How to Host a Windows 7 Party

Microsoft has come up with the incredible amazing idea of having people host Windows 7 parties. But does anyone out there actually want to throw a Windows 7 party? The answer is maybe. Because Windows 7 is a moderately decent OS. It’s what a Microsoft OS would be, when Microsoft takes twice as much time to get it right, after screwing it up the first time. That of course makes for a great party theme. Who doesn’t love a second chance and Windows 7 is all about giving Microsoft a second chance, after Windows Vista ate your computer, revealed all your passwords to the IRA and sued you for paternity leave.

Use your Windows 7 party as a chance to try and fix the things you screwed up the first time around, taking inspiration from Microsoft which managed to fix Vista the second time around. Were you dishonorably discharged from the military? Reenlist and don’t take no for an answer. Did you run over a turtle in Arizona? Move to Arizona to raise turtles. Did you embezzle billions from your customers causing the collapse of the US economy. There’s an easy way to fix all that, throw a Windows 7 party. That’s right, because Microsoft making a decent OS for the first time since they released XP back in the dark ages when wizards riding on dinosaurs roamed the earth, is the perfect occasion for a party.

What sort of food should you serve at a Windows 7 party? Think transparency. Aero Glass is the big shiny feature of Vista and its less retarded adult cousin, Windows 7, so glass coffee tables, Crystal Sprite, Zima, and lemon ice cream should all be on the table. And since Windows 7 still comes with an annoying UAC nagger, be sure to come over and ask every guest who tries to take a sip, if he or she is really really really sure they want to do that. Because nothing makes a Windows 7 party perfect like giving them the full Windows 7 experience. So did you really want to read this post? Did you? Are you sure? Okay.

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Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson unveil “The Sand Dunes of Dune”

Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson have brought you such fascinating backstory prequel tales of Dune, before you cared about Dune, with novels such as “Paul of Dune”, “The Road to Dune”, “The Sandworms of Dune”, and “The Winds of Dune”. Now finally comes the Dune novel you have all been waiting for that explores Dune at its most elemental element, its dunes. Its dunes of sand. Its sand dunes. Coming in 2010, Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson bring you the Dune prequel novel to end all Dune prequel novels, “The Sand Dunes of Dune.”

You’ve all noticed the sand dunes of Dune. Dune is nothing is not filled with sand dunes. But what is the story of these sand dunes. What fierce passions shaped them? What mortal struggles shook them to the core? And what terrible secrets still lurk deep beneath the feverishly hot sand dunes of Dune?

Award winning writers Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson continue their quest to solve the world’s energy problems by making Frank Herbert turn a full quarter mile inside his grave, with “The Sand Dunes of Dune”. Go back in time to a time before Dune was full of sand dunes. Where did all the sand in the dunes of Dune come from? What is its history and what hopeless destiny lies in its future? What are its thoughts on all the cheap tie in novels that Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson have written about Dune?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson’s “The Sand Dunes of Dune” coming in 2010. And hold your breath for 2011, when Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson will release Dune 9, tentative title, “The Microscopic Microbes of Dune.”

Coming soon.

Leadership the Cobra Commander Way

In the tradition of such highly useful books as “Make It So, Leadership Lessons from Captain Picard” and “If I’m Having a Bad Day I’ll Blow Up My Own Ship Just To Spite You, Leadership Lessons from Captain Janeway“, comes the latest self-help tome for CEO’s who have no idea what to do besides sell stock in their own companies.

Presenting, “RETREAT! Leadership Lessons from Cobra Commander!” by Cobra Commander.

Leadership tip number 1. Leadership by example is for suckers. You worked hard to get to where you were by being a crazy lunatic with a rag over his face. Don’t waste it all by making an example of yourself too. That’s what Cobra Vipers are for.

Leadership tip number 2. The perfect plan is one where the greatest possible number of things can go wrong. Ideally your plan should depend on some sort of unproven technology combined with a large scale deployment that is both expensive and unpredictable. Are you listening to me Microsoft?

Leadership tip number 3. When your plan fails, now’s the time to retreat. Even if your plan only experiences a minor setback, it’s time to retreat. Even if you’re feeling tired and achy and think you might be coming down with a cold, it’s always a safe bet to retreat.

Leadership tip number 4. Sniveling is the mark of a great man. Kick them when they’re down and beg them for mercy when they’re on the way up. That’s how you get to the top and stay there.

Leadership tip number 5. Since you’re reading this book you’re probably completely incompetent like me, the trick then is to fill your ranks with incompetent subordinates insuring that there is no one available to replace you. Of course nothing you do or plan will ever succeed, but at least your job as CEO of Comcast or Cobra Commander is safe.

Microsoft and Sony Announce Negative Price Cuts on XBox 360 and PS3

Deepening their competition over the future of the gaming console, both Microsoft and Sony have announced a new generation of price cuts for the XBox 360 and the PS3. After Sony’s announcement last week that the price of the PS3 would now be lowered to negative -150 dollars, meaning that Sony will pay customers 150 dollars to take home a PS3 and do something with it, Microsoft countered by offering a negative -200 dollar price cut on the XBox 360, pricing their console at minus two hundred dollars, and additionally promising to teach customers how to use the ring of death to destroy their enemies. Microsoft’s price cut has raised further worries at Sony, which has barely managed to sell 900,000 PS3 consoles, and with its latest price cuts now loses over a 1000 dollars for every PS3 “sold”. However Sony was able to point to the vast numbers of crickets chirping in Microsoft’s retail outlets, as customers showed no interest in buying Zunes or the 12 flavors of Windows 7 (Professional, Supremely Professional, Amateur Ultimate, Mocha Java ActiveX, Professional for Stupid People, Slightly Gay Ultimate, Home Professional Ultimate, Ultimate Blue Screen Special 64 and Professional Bob ME 7). Nevertheless Sony which has not sold a single game console outside of Japan this month, has completely lost its grip on the portable music players market, and is being terrorized by a giant radioactive lizard; could take small comfort in Microsoft’s woes. Nevertheless Sony executives gathered together in secret talks planning a rumored -250 price cut to the Sony PS3. Meanwhile Nintendo announced its 100 millionth Wii sold.

Peter Molyneux’s Shoe, the upcoming Game that will change gaming?

Luckily for us we at Space Ramblings managed to score an interview with legendary and award winning game designer Peter Molyneux about his upcoming game Shoe. Peter Molyneux remains one of the most fascinating game designers out there so we were happy to sit down and chat with him about his shoes or Shoe as it may be.

SR: So Shoe, a deceptively simple name for a great game?

PM: Absolutely. But the simple is also great. Like the shoe.

SR: So Peter, what is Shoe like as a game?

PM: Shoe will change games, it will change gaming, it will change how you even think of games. After playing Shoe you will look at ordinary games and wonder what they are. You will look at game consoles and be unable to connect them with game playing.

SR: So basically Shoe will make you retarded?

PM: Parts of you. Only parts of you. The parts of you that are cynical and unable to connect with a spiritually more aware world.

SR: And that covers 90 percent of me. Okay so in Peter Molyneux’s Shoe, do you play a Shoe, are you on a quest for Shoes? Is your main character called Shoe?

PM: No, no. you are not getting the big picture. Shoe is meant to make you think of shoes in a whole new light. How do you see shoes now?

SR: As well something I wear on my feet.

PM: And that is all wrong. Have you ever thought that shoes could be your friends?

SR: Generally not.

PM: Have you ever connected emotionally with your shoes?

SR: I’m not French, so no.

PM: Peter Molyneux’s Shoe will change all that. It will create an intimate emotional connection between you and your shoes.

SR: So this game will turn people into shoe fetishists?

PM: That is the narrow minded American in you talking. Shoe will elevate your understanding, it will enable you to view your world from the world of a shoe.

SR: Alright, now we’re getting somewhere. Do you play a shoe in the game?

PM: If you choose to, you can play a shoe.

SR: What else can you play?

PM: Anything you want!

SR: Oh come on. Just tell me what the game is about already.

PM: It’s about your soul!

SR: Oh crap.

PM: Have you ever woken in the middle of the night from a strange dream believing that you had no friends left in the world only to discover that your only true friend is your shoe?

SR: Is this how you get all your ideas?

PM: Shoe is about a quest but the quest is already complete before you begin it. You can do anything you want in Shoe.

SR: Can you fly in Shoe?

PM: If you decide to, yes.

SR: Can you scuba dive in Shoe?

PM: If you imagine it, you can imagine doing it.

SR: I see. Can you return Shoe for a refund?

PM: Regrettably not in the real world, but you can imagine returning it for a refund which is even more satisfying.

SR: Well this has been fun, in an awkward and painful sort of way. Peter Molyneux’s Shoe, coming to a GameStop’s discount bin near you. It involves shoes in some way.

PM: And the human soul.

SR: Shut up.

From lovely Cyrodil, it’s the annual State of the Empire address

Thank you ladies, gentlemen, inbred nobility and assorted other creatures,

The Empire’s situation is very grave indeed. The entire continent is overrun by freakishly huge rats and oddly aggressive crabs. Not only is the Emperor dead, but the population of Cyrodil appears to have dwindled to about several hundred people, of which about ten percent are actually Bandits, Daedra worshipers and members of the Dark Brotherhood or talking upright walking cats.

This is a serious situation as we cannot possibly hope to maintain any kind of functioning Imperial capital with so few people. Our average city barely has two dozen people, half of whom are guards. It’s hard to tell what makes our cities into cities rather than towns or villages, except our willingness to be deluded into thinking that a high wall and a big cathedral surrounding a dozen houses and four shops is somehow a city rather than a tiny village. Meanwhile what little villages we have left have turned into underground people who worship primordial evil beings, which is just bad for everyone.

Recently it has also been brought to my attention that every single fort on Cyrodil is deserted and filled with the undead. With only one city standing between Morrowind and the Imperial City, Morrowind could easily overrun us in a matter of days, if they only had more than a thousand or so people themselves to spare for an invasion.

This population shortage also puts Cyrodil’s traditional native industries, such as selling looted weapons, paying ridiculous prices for pieces of flowers that can be easily picked and hunting through ghost and skeleton filled temples, at great risk. Additionally Cyrodil no longer has any mines, only derelict mines.

At this point I’m not even sure why Oblivion is bothering to invade us, they could probably just wait a generation for us to die off on our own, since we don’t actually have any children and aside from Vampires and Orcs, we consist of species that cannot and should not reproduce together.

Nevertheless I would like to commend those who keep the Arena matches going, diminishing what little population we have, particularly the part of it that can actually hold a sword. Also to the inventor of Ardorks’ Unremovable Underwear which is responsible for our population problem and lack of children, your attempt to preserve morality may have doomed us all, but it was still a noble gesture.

Thank you all, and I’m moving to High Rock.

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