Space Ramblings

Breaking News: ‘Enterprise’ to be scrapped in favor of ‘Obnoxious Trek’

Facing sagging ratings and a distinct lack of viewer interest, Rick Berman announced after a closed door meeting with Paramount executives that he will be scrapping Enterprise in favor of a new take on the Star Trek franchise tentatively titled, ‘Obnoxious Trek.’

“Somewhere around the middle half of Feb, we realized what our mistake had been all along.” Berman explains. “We were trying to create a series that fans would enthusiastically love when what we should have been doing was creating a series that fans would enthusiastically hate. And that is what Obnoxious Trek is all about.”

Unlike previous Star Trek series’, Obnoxious Trek will feature a cast of returning Star Trek cast members, rather than an all new cast with Mulgrew returning as Captain Janeway in command of the U.S.S. Deviant. Will Wheaton will also be returning to play Commander Wesley Crusher, first officer of the Deviant who is also hiding his secret addiction to cough syrup. Nicole DeBoer will also return as the navigator whose only role will be to act confused and whine all the time since the ship will never actually go anywhere.

The rest of the cast will be filled out by Doctor Neelix who knows nothing about medicine and whose patients die more often that not. James Darren as Vic Fontaine who will give the crew relationship advice in the middle of tense battle scenes and occasionally break character to hawk his CD’s and his brand of tomato soup on air. And the series’ only new character, A Pakled as the engineering chief who is unable to ever get the warp drive running thus preventing the U.S.S. Deviant from ever going anywhere.

“Our goal was to bring back some of the most obnoxious characters from Star Trek history, characters we knew the fans would hate. We’ve given up on creating new characters that would attract viewers and we’ve decided to bring back characters that everyone hated so much that they simply wouldn’t be able to not watch Obnoxious Trek the same way you can’t not slow down to see a car accident.” Rick Berman explains. “And the entire show is geared towards this philosophy.

“For instance every episode will end in the holodeck in the Irish village of Fair Haven, even the cliffhangers, and Majel Barrett’s voice on the computer has been replaced by Nana Visitor’s voice which will respond to every command by delivering a speech about the oppression of the Bajoran people. We really want to make people hate our show, we want to make both long time Trek fans and casual viewers hate our show, and we’re willing to do whatever it takes to make that hatred happen.”

Other plans under consideration for alienating viewers include a first season finale which will end with a temporal anomaly that erases all the events of the entire first season, random appearances by John DeLancie’s son, playing John DeLancie’s son and getting Bette Midler and Roseanne to sing the Enterprise theme accompanied only by the sounds of cats mating.

“We’re really going into the experimental realm with this.” Brannon Braga explains. “For example the ship will never go anywhere. DS9 tried to make a show like that but they added the Defiant when their ratings began to sink. But the Deviant will never go anywhere. And no one will ever leave the Deviant. All the adventures will come to it and every episode will be a bottle show which will really save on money.

We’ll also save on money by firing all the writers and just openly recycling old scripts. I mean we’ve been paying writers thousands and thousands of dollars just to recycle old TOS, TNG, DS9 and Voyager scripts we already had and we figured that we have hundreds of old scripts around and we might as well reuse them openly. And the same thing goes for special effects. Admittedly some of the old FX footage we have in the can is a little incompatible and some of it is decades old, but we’ll make do. And as a final money saver, all our episodes are going to be directed by David Livingston whom we’re going to keep chained up in the studio basement.”

As a bonus, Obnoxious Trek will also be reusing all the Enterprise sets without even bothering to redress them. Once the studio would have avoided such a move for fear of alienating fans but now banking on its new approach, such a move will only serve to enhance the hatred that viewers will feel for the show.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before.” Brannon Braga said while sensualiciously sipping his swiss mocha cappuccino. “It was always staring us right in the face. We’re just not any good at creating a series that people will like and we were so good at
creating shows that people just hated almost as much as they hated Saddam Hussein. And we should stick to what we’re good at. Obnoxious Trek.”

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