It’s now a collection of crap indistinguishable from the rest of cable TV.
Let’s start with the most baffling thing here
Culture Shock with Tommy Lee — This one-hour investigative travel show follows Mötley Crüe’s Tommy Lee as he attempts to uncover the various rituals, symbols and other mysteries of secret societies around the world.
No you’re not crazy. This is an actual thing on which a lot of money was spent. Read more.
Tommy Lee will dig into the history behind the secret society, search out its meeting locations and members, and meet with former members to reveal the society’s rituals and deepest secrets.
I could make jokes, but this defies comedy. And sanity. Forget the DaVinci Code, when you have Tommy Lee investigating secret societies.
Legend Quest — Premiering in July — This fast-paced action-adventure series follows Ashley Cowie, a real-life symbologist, as he travels the world in search of some of history’s greatest relics and artifacts, all of which are believed to hold hidden powers and mystical significance for ancient and modern cultures. Each episode will include Indiana Jones-type adventure and Da Vinci Code-style connections as the hidden truths and alternative theories of these mythical objects are explored.
This is the same thing except without Tommy Lee. It’s almost as stupid, but it’s not stupid enough to be entertaining in a Charlie Sheen Assassins Warlocks way.
But isn’t this what the History Channel and Learning Channel used to do before they switched to shows about ice truckers, coal miners and lumberjacks? This is the SyFy channel following after third rate channels and feeding off their excreta.
But SyFy still has ghosts. You can’t take ghosts away from it. If you took the ghosts away, it would just be wrestling, syndicated reruns, monster movies and static.
Haunted Collector (working title) — Premiering in June — Ghosts and spirits inhabit more than just homes and buildings — they can also live in objects. John Zaffis and his family are renowned paranormal investigators, tracking down haunted items like paintings, guns, jewelry and dolls. Once identified, the items are collected and stored in their museum, helping John’s clients bring normalcy back to their lives.
No this isn’t a drama, it’s a reality series. So there’s going to be some idiot walking around and dragging back this crap while people tell stories about it. Ghost Hunters meets Antiques Roadshow. I bet that was even the pitch.
Paranormal Witness — Premiering in September — From Raw TV, the acclaimed creative team behind Locked Up Abroad and Gold Rush Alaska, this tense, filmic and high-octane drama-documentary series brings to life the stories of people who have lived through paranormal experiences that defy explanation
What defies explanation is why take over a Science Fiction channel and fill it with ghost reality shows, when you can just shortcut the process and make a Ghost TV channel. Go on and do it. Rename SyFy to Ghosty or GHST or SPUK or something stupid and we can get this over with.
But no wait, more ghosts
In the Dark — In the Dark follows a misfit group of third tier ghost hunters whose misguided efforts tend to highlight their incompetence rather than any paranormal activity.
This is actually scripted, probably a sitcom. But who needs to see this, when it’s going to be a version of Ghost Hunters that you’re supposed to laugh at. Kind of redundant. Anyone who isn’t mental laughs at Ghost Hunters already.
Monster Man – When Hollywood studios want a bizarre creature, monster prop or out-of-this world alien, they turn to Cleve Hall and his very unique, family business.
So it’s another Face Off. How many more clones can there be? Who cares.
Stunts Unlimited — Stunts Unlimited is an elite and exclusive fraternity of artists committed to a very imaginative, creative, unique and dangerous craft — movie stunts
Right my bad. Can’t wait for the Caterers of the Stars show that goes inside behind the scenes to the exclusive fraternity of movie caterers. Hell’s Kitchen meets Face Off. Also throw in some ghosts. Can’t miss.
Hi Tech Hoaxes — The series where the supernatural, the mythical and the astonishing leave the big screen and step into people’s everyday lives. Each week two teams will go head-to-head to provide a once-in-a-lifetime experience for an unsuspecting pair of people, who are about to have their world turned upside down for a brief, thrilling moment.
So Scare Tactics meets Punk’d. I bet that was the pitch too.
Dinner with Deepak — If you could invite three people to dinner, who would they be? Best selling author and spiritual teacher Dr. Deepak Chopra dines and joins in conversation with some of the greatest minds and creators in the world today.
We’ve reached bottom. That’s it. Nowhere to go now.
Tyler Shields — A docu-series featuring unconventional photographer Tyler Shields and his team as they create worlds that are always surprising, shocking, and totally surreal. This Los Angeles-based artist is one of the most creative and original photographers working today. His subjects are celebrities, actors, models, and everyday people captured in magical, beautiful, and often dangerous situations.
Wait, we’ve gone lower. This is a show about a celebrity photographer in LA. But that’s it. This has to be as bad as it gets.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack — 2012 — While everyone else runs scared, vacationing Jerseyites fend off shark attacks on the shore. A production of ARO Entertainment.
Will the last creature still watching the SyFy channel please turn out the lights.