These are the adventures of the Starship Enterprise (no, not that one. The
other one before it you never heard of. The sensual one), its continuing
mission to sensually blunder around not particularly strange or interesting
worlds, to antagonize sensual new life and new civilizations and to
sensually go where three decades of Star Trek and just about every other
science fiction show on the planet have gone before.
Teaser – Angry aliens are sensually hurrying away from the Enterprise crew
Hoshi: Wait, why are you leaving us?
Alien #1: We can’t take it anymore.
Trip: What’s the matter?
Alien #1: This is the worst show I’ve ever been on! Your stories have
no point, your characters are boring and, your plots are cliched and our
appearances completely throwaway with no lasting effects!
Hoshi: I can’t understand a single word they’re saying. It’s as if
they’re speaking entirely in some different language.
Alien #1: And that awful theme song, is this supposed to be the
Karate Kid or a 21st century Science Fiction series anyway? How can you
Trip: Are you sure there’s nothing we could do to convince you to
Alien #1: Hire some freaking writers!
Archer: Some people are just never satisfied. Well let’s go wander
around the galaxy again and see what happens.
Act 1 – Giant CGI Plot Cliche sneaks sensually on board as two redshirts
stand under a conduit.
Redshirt #1: Oh no looks like the conduit is broken. Go inside that
haunted hous…I mean conduit and fix it.
Redshirt #2: Didn’t we do this exact same scene in First Contact?
Redshirt #1: Yes and next week we’ll do it again on CSI and Law and
Order. Just be glad these are speaking parts.
Giant Plot Cliche: Need Brains! Brains!
Two minutes later both redshirts have been swallowed by the Giant
CGI Plot Cliche
Redshirt #1: Is thus stuff what I think it is?
Act 2 – Meanwhile in Archer’s quarters. Archer is staring blankly at his
computer screen. Trip enters.
Archer: Oh My God! It’s full of stars!
Trip: Hey I know what’ll cheer you up, half-naked men playing with a
Archer: Ah, the good old days. No decisions. No aliens. Just some
water and a ball. Things were so simple back and then and sensual too.
Trip: So why did you get into space travel again?
Archer: Because those damned Vulcans screwed my father!
Trip: Oh right. Say there’s a Giant CGI Plot Cliche in the cargo
bay. Want to go and get swallowed by it?
Archer: Can’t be any worse than the Andorians, the Tandarans or any
of the other many, many aliens who’ve captured me before and will go on
capturing me week after week after week.
Act 3 – Cargo bay is coated with pale slime as the CGI Plot Cliche covers
the two redshirts.
Archer: Hmm that slime looks potentially dangerous. Let’s go wander
right next to it and see what happens.
Trip: I’m with you. At least this time I’m not in my underwear.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche: Need Brains! Brains!
Five Minutes Later Archer and Trip are also swallowed up by the
Giant CGI Plot Cliche.
Archer: My God, how could this have happened and who could have seen
Trip: We did take every possible precaution, none. I’m as baffled
as you are.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche: Where are the Brains I was promised?
Act 4 – The rest of the crew stand around watching the Giant CGI Plot Cliche
on the monitors.
Dr. Phlox: I’ve determined that this creature has formed neural
links to its victims and is transforming them into one giant entity.
Mayweather: Oh My God! It’s draining Captain Archer of all his
personality! We have to do something before it’s too late.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche: So Hungry! All Crust and No Filling! Need
In the Cargo Bay, Archer, Trip and Redshirt #2 are delirious.
Archer: So one time in water polo I had this ball and…
Trip: Would you shut up about your water polo already!
Archer: But it was the highlight of my career and it taught me
everything I needed to know about commanding a Starship. Get captured early
and often, wander around with no purpose or direction and treat everything
as either self-righteous cause or a joke.
Trip: That explains a lot.
Redshirt #1: Whee I have more lines!
Giant CGI Plot Cliche: Oh My, this was a big mistake. I had the
chanche to crawl onto a Vulcan ship, but no I had to go for the flashy
nacelles. So Hungry! Need Brains!
Back on the Command Bridge
T’Pol: I have determined what course of action we shall pursue. Reed,
first throw together a hastily conceived rescue attempt that will only serve
to antagonize the creature. Afterwards you can trump all of human science by
developing the force field on your own in a few hours. Then Hoshi, you and I
will work together on an improbable method of communicating with the
creature during which we will clash and then bond and learn to work together
and in the process of which put our cultural differences aside to work as a
Dr. Phlox: No need for any of that, the creature is growing thinner.
It appears to be starving to death.
Mayweather: Why in the world would that be?
Dr. Phlox: Well you see the creature feeds off neural energy and when
it can’t get enough neural energy from brain activity it begins starving to
Hoshi: So you’re saying that because the Captain’s brain is
incompatible with the creature’s biological makeup, the creature is starving
Dr. Phlox: No, I meant that the creature’s food supply is practically
non-existant in its chosen victim. But you can believe whatever makes you
Mayweather: Oh by the way I located the aliens who infected us so they
can give us the coordinates to take the poor creature home.
Reed: Ahem, shouldn’t we consider perhaps killing it?
Hoshi: No it’s just a poor misunderstood alien brainsucking leech!
Alien #1: Before we give you the coordinates, we demand an apology.
Mayweather: An apology for what?
Alien #1: For this episode, for starters.
Montgomery: Very well, on behalf of Viacom, Paramount, UPN, Rick
Berman, Brannon Braga and all the cast and crew, I sincerely apologize for
Alien #1: Now apologize for Fusion! Apologize! We demand an apology!
Act 5 – The creature is put in a box and released out on a planet’s surface
where it immediately attaches itself to an earthworm.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche: Ah finally, Brains! BRAINS! I can feel the
Sweet nectar of intelligence running through me. Finally I can put this
nightmare behind me.
Act 0 – A man with heavy eyebrows steps out from behind the camera against a
background of stars. The stars are dim and clearly most of the galaxy is
dead or dying.
Rod Serling: Flash forwards FIVE BILLION YEARS. Earth’s star is a
faint glowing red ball and the homeworld of man is a wasteland on which no
living being has walked upon in a long time. The Federation is long
forgotten. Starfleet’s starships are dust and the human race has joined the
dinosaurs in that great theme park we call extinction. Not a single of
Rembrandt’s paintings or Michelangelo’s sculptures or Rod Stewart’s songs
have survived. Every accomplishment of man from the iron knife to the
transporter is vanished. All except for ONE.
Camera pans down to show the same planet covered now with Giant CGI
Plot Cliche creatures. From space the planet appears as a series of
geometrically perfect dots filled with water.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #1: Hello Captain Archer.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #2: Hello to you too, Captain Archer.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #1: Do you wish to play water polo, Captain
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #2: Of course Captain Archer. Say do you know
where Water Polo comes from?
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #1: I never thought about it Captain Archer,
let’s go ask Captain Archer. He’ll know.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #3: Hello, Captain Archer and Captain Archer.
What can I do for you?
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #2: We were just wondering where Water Polo
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #3: Ah yes, the age old question. Many
theologists speculate that at one time our distant ancestor came into
contact with a being known only as CAPTAIN ARCHER. It absorbed this Captain
Archer’s mind but could not divest itself of this identity because by
ingesting Archer, it had also ingested Archer’s stupidity has deprived it of
the ability to think and so it became Captain Archer and all its asexually
budded children after it were also called Captain Archer and that is why
today we are all called Captain Archer.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #1: This is certainly interesting but what does
it have to do with Water Polo?
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #3: Well there are further speculations that
this Captain Archer being was rather stupid and the only contents in its
mind referred to Water Polo and thus this was the only knowledge we possess.
Perhaps had this Captain Archer’s mind contained great works of literature
or technical information we might have built a great civilization that could
have taken us off this world so that some form of life might survive the
death of the milky way galaxy.
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #2: So instead we built our civilization around
Water Polo and turned our whole planet into a bunch of Water Polo pools and
we play Water Polo all day, thus dooming the last civilization in the galaxy
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #3: Exactly, this Captain Archer being formed
us too well in his own stupid image!
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #1: So Captain Archer, still want to go play
Giant CGI Plot Cliche #2: Why not, we don’t know how to do anything
else. Do we?
Camera turns sharply to show Rod Serling standing to the side and
trying to smoke a hypospray, with Brannon Braga by his side
Rod Serling: There is an ancient Chinese saying, a civilization built
on water will endure, but one built on Water Polo will not survive. Thus
ends the last civilization in the galaxy and along with it dies the last
work of man and also the very thing that killed it. Water Polo.
Ironic isn’t it?
Brannon Braga: Ironic perhaps, but sensual…most definitely. So, so
very sensual! I think I’m going to play some…Water Polo too.
Braga runs off chasing the Giant CGI Plot Cliche creatures who run
away from him shrieking in terror.
Rod Serling: And now I think I’m going to be sick…in the Twilight