The Mild Annoyance of Khan
Last week on Andromeda
Hunt: So how about joining the Commonwealth?
Hunt: Why not?
Alien: Because I don’t want to!
Alien: I said no.
Hunt: I’ll give you candy.
Hunt Voiceover: The Commonwealth, the greatest civilization we only knew for five minutes has fallen. But never fear because on board Andromeda, foolish and completely unrealistic optimism combined with large doses of incompetence and Deus Ex endings…live again.
This week on Andromeda.
Hunt: Why won’t anyone join my Commonwealth?
Tyr: Because it doesn’t exist?
Hunt: Well it would exist if they joined it.
Tr: But they have to join it before it can exist.
Hunt: The universe is just so unfair.
Tyr: You’re an idiot.
Hunt: How about a game of basketball?
Sirens ring and sparks fly from the consoles.
Andromeda: Oh no, I’ve been sabotaged again!
Hunt (looks around bridge): Okay who sabotaged my starship this week?
No one answers.
Hunt: Tyr I’m looking right at you!
Tyr: Watcha talkin about Hunt?
Beka: Okay we’re now officially helpless and dead in space.
Hunt: Perfect a crisis. I know how to deal with one of those. Trance you take over the controls, Andromeda go explore your sexuality, Tyr stand around undermining my authority. Harper go trip over one of your shoelaces and invent the space drive, RevBem mutter spiritual inanities, Beka stand around looking worried. And if anyone needs me I’ll be sitting in the dark and brooding in my quarters.
Hunt sits in darkness and broods in his quarters. RevBem enters.
Hunt: Oh RevBem, I knew commanding a Starship would be hard but who knew it would be difficult too?
RevBem: Never fear, the divine has different fates for our plans.
Hunt: I mean it’s just so depressing being a Captain in a post-apocalyptic universe filled with refugees from Wrath of Khan.
RevBem: Fear never, the fates have different plans for our divines.
Hunt: I mean why couldn’t I be a Starship Captain in a pre-apocalyptic universe. Oh right I was, and I screwed it up…twice. In fact I helped bring on the apocalypse…twice.
RevBem: Never fate, the plans have different divine for our fears.
Bridge. Everyone stands around uselessly doing nothing.
Andromeda: Oh no now I’m being boarded…and sabotaged!
Harper: Insert sexually explicit remark here.
Beka: Oh but who could possibly board and sabotage the mighty Starship Andromeda.
Andromeda: At last count…everybody.
Khan walks onto the bridge followed by his genetically engineered raggedly dressed followers.
Harper: Wow this is just like Double Helix, but not ripped of.
Khan: From hell’s heart I stab at thee, for hate’s sake I spit my last breath…oh wait this is the wrong show isn’t it.
Beka: Yeah, kinda.
Khan: Okay, sorry to have bothered you folks. I’ll be leaving now.
Tyr: No wait…take me with you. I’ll take a homicidal lunatic over an idiot any day!
Beka: Wait why not stay and take over our ship. We’re a much bigger and better starship than the Enterprise.
Khan: Right, just keep telling yourself that.
Hunt rushes in.
Hunt: Okay nobody go anywhere, I have a plan to save the ship.
Beka: What’s the plan?
Hunt: I’m going to blow up the ship.
Khan: Good luck with that.
Hunt: Now listen to me you filthy genetically engineered savage, I’ve set the self-destruct which means I win now. I win and you lose. You can’t kill me because if I’m dead who will turn off the self-destruct. Ha Ha I beat you, I win. Take that!
Khan: You’re right, I can’t kill you. I can kill your entire crew…but you.
Khan kills Andromeda’s entire crew save Hunt.
Hunt: Boy that one sure got by me.
Khan turns to leave, Hunt remains surrounded by his crew’s rotting corpses.
Hunt: Oh no, now I’m ever so lonely and my mission of restoring the Commonwealth is nowhere closer to fulfillment. Hey Khan want to join my crew and work with me towards rebuilding the once and mighty Commonwealth while experiencing the joy of taking your orders from a mental defective wearing mauve latex?
Hunt: Wait stay with me, it’ll just be the two of us and I just know we can have great homoerotic chemistry together. KHAAAANNNNN!
Khan leaves, tragic music plays.
Hunt: Well now I’ve gotten my entire second crew killed. I know there are some people who will blame me for this but I put it down to fate, destiny. Now its time to get back to working to rebuild the Commonwealth. Who knows why these things happen anyway?
Trance reappears still alive.
Trance: You’re not alone, you’ll always have me because I’m far too annoying to die.
Hunt: Great, okay Trance you go and repair the engines.
Trance: But I don’t know anything about repairing engines. What if I do something wrong?
Hunt: Now what are the odds of that? Besides anyone can repair starship engines, it’s as easy as navigating a starship through Slipstream.
Five minutes later Andromeda explodes into smithereens.
Hunt Voiceover: Well now I’ve blown up my starship and gotten myself and my crew killed. I know there are some people who will blame me for this but I put it down to fate, destiny. Now its time to get back to working to rebuild the Commonwealth in the Hellish realm of the Undead. Who knows why th…
Hunt’s voiceover makes choking sounds and dies.
Next week on Andrmomeda
My Flesh Singed Like Burning Ashes
Captain Hunt’s Log Voiceover: Sure it was hard leaving behind everyone I knew and my entire world to work on rebuilding the Commonwealth in Hell, but it’s a challenge I had no choice but to accept.
Meanwhile In Hell
Hunt: Listen Satan, I know things are bad here in Hell with lots of torture and demons and demons torturing people but we can change all that if we just work together to rebuild the glory days of the Commonwealth in the Realm of the Undead Underworld. What do you say everybody?
Tyr: I would strangle you with my own two hands if you were not already dead.
Harper: Hurray, Hell Rules. Hell is just so cool. I wanna surf some burning flesh!
RevBem: Wayists say that hell is not a place but a place we make by unmaking the self.
Trance: Oooh Hell. It’s like so totally hot.
Satan: Wait a minute, who’s supposed to be torturing who here?