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The Mild Annoyance of Khan

The Mild Annoyance of Khan

Last week on Andromeda

Hunt: So how about joining the Commonwealth?

Alien: No.

Hunt: Why not?

Alien: Because I don’t want to!

Hunt: Pllleeeaaasseeee!

Alien: I said no.

Hunt: I’ll give you candy.

Hunt Voiceover: The Commonwealth, the greatest civilization we only knew for five minutes has fallen. But never fear because on board Andromeda, foolish and completely unrealistic optimism combined with large doses of incompetence and Deus Ex endings…live again.

This week on Andromeda.

Hunt: Why won’t anyone join my Commonwealth?

Tyr: Because it doesn’t exist?

Hunt: Well it would exist if they joined it.

Tr: But they have to join it before it can exist.

Hunt: The universe is just so unfair.

Tyr: You’re an idiot.

Hunt: How about a game of basketball?

Sirens ring and sparks fly from the consoles.

Andromeda: Oh no, I’ve been sabotaged again!

Hunt (looks around bridge): Okay who sabotaged my starship this week?

No one answers.

Hunt: Tyr I’m looking right at you!

Tyr: Watcha talkin about Hunt?

Beka: Okay we’re now officially helpless and dead in space.

Hunt: Perfect a crisis. I know how to deal with one of those. Trance you take over the controls, Andromeda go explore your sexuality, Tyr stand around undermining my authority. Harper go trip over one of your shoelaces and invent the space drive, RevBem mutter spiritual inanities, Beka stand around looking worried. And if anyone needs me I’ll be sitting in the dark and brooding in my quarters.

Hunt sits in darkness and broods in his quarters. RevBem enters.

Hunt: Oh RevBem, I knew commanding a Starship would be hard but who knew it would be difficult too?

RevBem: Never fear, the divine has different fates for our plans.

Hunt: I mean it’s just so depressing being a Captain in a post-apocalyptic universe filled with refugees from Wrath of Khan.

RevBem: Fear never, the fates have different plans for our divines.

Hunt: I mean why couldn’t I be a Starship Captain in a pre-apocalyptic universe. Oh right I was, and I screwed it up…twice. In fact I helped bring on the apocalypse…twice.

RevBem: Never fate, the plans have different divine for our fears.

Bridge. Everyone stands around uselessly doing nothing.

Andromeda: Oh no now I’m being boarded…and sabotaged!

Harper: Insert sexually explicit remark here.

Beka: Oh but who could possibly board and sabotage the mighty Starship Andromeda.

Andromeda: At last count…everybody.

Khan walks onto the bridge followed by his genetically engineered raggedly dressed followers.

Harper: Wow this is just like Double Helix, but not ripped of.

Khan: From hell’s heart I stab at thee, for hate’s sake I spit my last breath…oh wait this is the wrong show isn’t it.

Beka: Yeah, kinda.

Khan: Okay, sorry to have bothered you folks. I’ll be leaving now.

Tyr: No wait…take me with you. I’ll take a homicidal lunatic over an idiot any day!

Beka: Wait why not stay and take over our ship. We’re a much bigger and better starship than the Enterprise.

Khan: Right, just keep telling yourself that.

Hunt rushes in.

Hunt: Okay nobody go anywhere, I have a plan to save the ship.

Beka: What’s the plan?

Hunt: I’m going to blow up the ship.

Khan: Good luck with that.

Hunt: Now listen to me you filthy genetically engineered savage, I’ve set the self-destruct which means I win now. I win and you lose. You can’t kill me because if I’m dead who will turn off the self-destruct. Ha Ha I beat you, I win. Take that!

Khan: You’re right, I can’t kill you. I can kill your entire crew…but you.

Khan kills Andromeda’s entire crew save Hunt.

Hunt: Boy that one sure got by me.

Khan turns to leave, Hunt remains surrounded by his crew’s rotting corpses.

Hunt: Oh no, now I’m ever so lonely and my mission of restoring the Commonwealth is nowhere closer to fulfillment. Hey Khan want to join my crew and work with me towards rebuilding the once and mighty Commonwealth while experiencing the joy of taking your orders from a mental defective wearing mauve latex?

Khan: Fool.

Hunt: Wait stay with me, it’ll just be the two of us and I just know we can have great homoerotic chemistry together. KHAAAANNNNN!

Khan leaves, tragic music plays.

Hunt: Well now I’ve gotten my entire second crew killed. I know there are some people who will blame me for this but I put it down to fate, destiny. Now its time to get back to working to rebuild the Commonwealth. Who knows why these things happen anyway?

Trance reappears still alive.

Trance: You’re not alone, you’ll always have me because I’m far too annoying to die.

Hunt: Great, okay Trance you go and repair the engines.

Trance: But I don’t know anything about repairing engines. What if I do something wrong?

Hunt: Now what are the odds of that? Besides anyone can repair starship engines, it’s as easy as navigating a starship through Slipstream.

Five minutes later Andromeda explodes into smithereens.

Hunt Voiceover: Well now I’ve blown up my starship and gotten myself and my crew killed. I know there are some people who will blame me for this but I put it down to fate, destiny. Now its time to get back to working to rebuild the Commonwealth in the Hellish realm of the Undead. Who knows why th…

Hunt’s voiceover makes choking sounds and dies.

The End.

Next week on Andrmomeda

My Flesh Singed Like Burning Ashes

Captain Hunt’s Log Voiceover: Sure it was hard leaving behind everyone I knew and my entire world to work on rebuilding the Commonwealth in Hell, but it’s a challenge I had no choice but to accept.

Meanwhile In Hell

Hunt: Listen Satan, I know things are bad here in Hell with lots of torture and demons and demons torturing people but we can change all that if we just work together to rebuild the glory days of the Commonwealth in the Realm of the Undead Underworld. What do you say everybody?

Tyr: I would strangle you with my own two hands if you were not already dead.

Harper: Hurray, Hell Rules. Hell is just so cool. I wanna surf some burning flesh!

RevBem: Wayists say that hell is not a place but a place we make by unmaking the self.

Trance: Oooh Hell. It’s like so totally hot.

Satan: Wait a minute, who’s supposed to be torturing who here?

Robert Beltran gives interview complaining about his role in “Unemployment Line”


Robert Beltran, famous Shakespearean actor noted for his Academy award nominated role in Night of the Comet and his starring roles in such hits as Models Inc and Models Inc, is at it again giving an interview criticizing his latest employer, the unemployment office.

“I mean I thought I had nothing to do on Voyager.” Beltran says. “But at the unemployment office, all I do is stand on line all day. And the facilities are terrible.”

Indeed the noted actor who once had a 5 second appearance in Oliver Stone’s Nixon chafed at both the lack of a makeup department and the fact that he now has to pay for his own food.

“I mean it’s bad enough that my weekly salary is ridiculously low and there are no residuals, but part of the check has to go to pay for food. And how am I supposed to stay in shape without an in-house gym” Beltran complained while in the background a video monitor played highlights from all his 3 appearances on Murder She Wrote, playing 3 different characters.

The noted actor who once played El Diablo in John Carpenter’s El Diablo has had trouble finding work since Star Trek Voyager ended.

“I really don’t know what it is.” Beltran says chewing on a stale donut. “I have amazing credits. I mean I guest starred on Murder She Wrote, three freaking times. Do you have any idea how much talent that takes? Three different characters, think of the range! The entire idea that an actor of my credentials and talents would be unemployed is so implausible that no one would believe it, if it wasn’t true.”

Indeed Beltran has found standing in line all day at the unemployment office to be very tedious and exhausting.

“I’m a Shakespearean actor, I mean I’ve always wanted to read something by Shakespeare but the words are all so big and funny.” Beltran said. “But at the unemployment line all my dialogue seems to have been cut. I tried improvising a scene from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf but it’s hard to play a drunken college professor when you’re surrounded by urine, crazed drug dealers and out of work Time Warner executives.”

The former star of TV’s Stormy Weathers is quite upset.

“I mean how am I expected to grow as an actor and a human being when I keep slipping on human waste and waiting for a small check to be handed to me through a glass window?” Beltran spews. “I don’t know who runs this unemployment office but I want to have a little talk with them. I mean I don’t even know who my character is supposed to be, do I even have a motivation beyond being talentless, unemployed and in need of a check to pay the rent and buy food for my cat?

Currently Beltran does not have an answer to that question but he has started a new foundation to raise money for himself.

“I call it Save the Actors.” Beltran states. “It’s dedicated to helping me direct a movie that would showcase my talents to Hollywood while showing that I won’t be typecast by my work with that Star Trek show or my performance as Bad Guy No.3 in Desperado.”

Information on this planned film is not currently available but Beltran describes it as an update of Richard the Third which instead of taking place in ancient Denmark, will take place on a futuristic starship, commanded by himself. Robert Duncan McNeil is set to direct.

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