Following Saddam Hussein’s shocking announcement yesterday that he would agree to step down and leave Iraq came the even more shocking announcement that Paramount had picked him to replace Star Trek head honcho Rick Berman to run the Star Trek franchise.
This would make Saddam only the second ousted dictator, since General Pinochet took over Growing Pains, to run a major American television series.
“Here at Paramount we were looking for some fresh blood to step in and shake things up and Saddam Hussein has that fresh blood we were looking for. He actually has fresh blood all over his uniform. He even left fresh bloodstains on all the rugs and the towels in the executive bathroom,” Paramount Vice President in charge of implementing stupid ideas, Dick Wechsler said.
“There may be some concern among Star Trek fans that bringing in a murderous tyrant to run Star Trek might be incompatible with Gene Roddenberry’s vision but we don’t feel that would be the case.” Wexler continued. “Saddam is just as earnestly committed to Gene Roddenberry’s vision of exploration and tolerance as Rick Berman or any of us here at Paramount.”
While the ousted dictator has never seen an episode of Star Trek and does not speak English, he wasted no time in implementing an aggressive program aimed at boosting franchise productivity while his son Uday has been put in charge of the newly created ‘Workplace Efficiency Division.’
“If ratings fall between one episode and the next, the writer and the director of that episode will have gasoline poured on them and set on fire, their women will be shamed and their children castrated.” Saddam announced in a morale boosting memo circulated among staffers. “Allah is on our side. The mother of all battles against the WB has begun. UPN is well known to the faithful as the birthplace of Islam and every production assistant is prepared to die to protect UPN’s holiness.”
Saddam’s policies have already appeared to bear fruit as Enterprise saw increased viewership and ratings after the entire cast of Dawson’s Creek was wiped out in a suicide bombing. While police have speculated that Saddam may have been responsible, France and Germany opposed any investigation of the incident.
“We will smite the enemies of UPN wherever there is sound, light and television reception.” Saddam stated in a Variety interview. “First WB who are the Zionist oppressors of the people of Allah. Then the vampires of FOX who drink our blood and print slanders against us in the Western press. We will deploy all our weapons against NBC and ABC. CBS are our allies for now but when the times comes we slaughter their children and burn their studios to the ground in the name of Allah the All-Merciful.”
Saddam’s reign over Star Trek has already seen some serious changes implemented on Enterprise. In the retooled series El-Archer commands a starship dedicated to collecting weapons of mass destruction and conquering new worlds. He must fend off the murderous plots of his second in command Trip to seize power with the aid of his chief security officer and official torturer Reed while using suicide bombers to blow up Vulcan monasteries.